I felt like it’d be productive to have a big list of bad business ideas. I asked a handful of friends to pitch in.

Send me an email if you’d like to contribute. Part II is coming next week.

Author: Sean
Bio: Lawyer-in-Training

1. The Blackout Movie Theater — Do you enjoy listening to movies, but hate watching them? The Blackout Movie Theater brings all the comfort and joy of going to the movies, without being able to watch a thing. Our theaters are equipped with Full Dolby Surround Sound, but no visual projection systems. Now playing Silent Films only. Blind customers not admitted.

2. The Youputer — Do you have an overwhelming desire to process and express information through binary code? Then the Youputer might be right for you. After six month long surgery and recuperation process (with up to an extra month for defragmentation), you can replace your human brain with a used, nineties Dell Computer processor (sorry Mac Fanboys, Windows OS ONLY!).  Be wary of those windows updates, however — you might have to restart in safe mode.

3. The Reverse Urinal – Just use your imagination. R. Kelly maybe already owns three. Coming Soon: The Reverse Toilet.

4. The Offline Social Network — Inspired by Taco from “The League,” the offline social network brings you all the joy of finding out what your friends are up to, without the benefit of instant updates and with the added obligation of criminal charges for all of the stalking that you do. Your profile page is a large piece of recylcled poster board (From a 7th grade science fair), which comes with sticky adhesive so that you can put it on your apartment door, or a string so that you can wear it around your neck like a sandwich board.

5. The Personal WiFi Hotspot — Annoyed that you can never get internet service when you really need it? The Personal WiFi Hotspot is a surrogate that follows you around holding a 100-foot antenna, at all times! Available in hardwire version only — so you must be plugged into your surrogate when you want to use the internet; we swear we’re working on a wireless version….

6. The Smoke Enhancer — Are you the type of person that enjoys annoying non-smokers with the stench of your addictive habit? Do you get off on giving as many babies and children second hand smoke as you possibly can? Then you should invest in the smoke enhancer. Shaped like a megaphone, this device guarantees that the smell and impact radius of your cigarette will be increased tenfold.

7.  The Guess the Last Ingredient Cookbook (“GLIC”) — Are you a food connoisseur, or just the type who likes to combine things you find in the pantry in order to see what happens? The GLIC comes fully equipped with all of your favorite recipes, but intentionally leaves the last one out. It’s up to you to figure out what is missing and should be included. Think that chocolate is the missing link to making your culinary take on Pizza? Go for it. Emeril Lagasse called this “The Where’s Waldo of Cookbooks.” (Hint: The missing ingredient was cheese; it’s always cheese).

8. The Inkless Pen — Do you enjoy scratching on paper for hours on end, and struggling to write down the notes that you’re professor is moving too fast for you to take anyway? The inkless pen allows you to scratch whatever you want to write onto your paper, and comes equipped with a magnifying glass so that you can decipher your caveman markings later. Perfect for writing secret notes to friends, the pen is equipped with a sharp point at the end in order to maximize effectiveness.

WARNING FOR TEENAGE GIRLS: NOT RECOMMENDED FOR AMATEUR BODY HENNA WHILE BORED IN CLASS

9.  The Dog Petter — Tired of petting your dog? Those pesky animals demand so much attention, so what if you could get a proxy for your hand? After all, the purpose of having a dog isn’t to pet it. It’s to feed it and clean up its poop. So take all the joy out of owning a dog, and buy the pet petter. Available in white, black, and all shades in between.

10. Sand Paper Dispenser — From the makers of the “The Reverse Urinal” and “The Reverse Toilet”, we present: The Sandpaper Dispenser. Tired of having course paper towels that you can barely get out of the dispenser after trying not to touch absolutely anything in the public bathroom? Well if you do accidentally make contact with something, decontaminate yourself by taking off the top layer of your skin, with the Sandpaper Dispenser. Available in 2 textures: “Mild Irritation”, and “Oh God No WHYYYY”

 

Author: Peter
Bio: Doctor-in-Training

1. U-neck t-shirts. Actually…everything-neck t-shirts.

2. Two-sided dice.

3. Soda/beer cans with a pull tab at the top AND the bottom.

4. odorless cologne

5. stickless popsicles

6. non-alcoholic vodka

7. gravel shoes

8. nonstick lint rollers

9. cook-it-yourself restaurants

10. solar powered flashlight

11. liquid ice cream

 

 

Author: Josh
Bio: He runs this ship

1. Chlorine flavored soda.
2. Escalators with handrails that run in the wrong direction.
3. Rotatable t-shirts with long sleeves one way and short sleeves the other. So if you walk outside and find the weather is not to your liking, pull your arms out of the sleeves, rotate the shirt 90 degrees around the neckline, and you’re good to go.
4. Reversible shoes.
5. Airbnb for restaurants, where people can use the restaurant’s kitchens and equipment during off-hours.
6. An analog clock or watch that goes from 1-6 so you have to count AM1, AM2, PM1, PM2.
7. Silverware.
   1. Extendable fork & knife so you don’t have to move your hands as far while eating.
   2. A TV Remote with a fork attachment at the end of it so it’s more convenient to eat and watch TV at the same time.
   3. The Forker – a fork adhesive/attachment so that you can use the everyday object of your choice (the TV remote, your favorite pet, your other silverware) as a fork.
8. The “Crazy Straw” concept applied to other straight things. For example:
   1. Crazy forks
   2. Crazy pens
   3. Crazy phones
   4. Crazy matches
   5. Crazy walking sticks
   6. Crazy Twizzlers
   7. Crazy fan blades
   8. Crazy swords
   9. Crazy rulers
9. Smartphones.
   1. A smartphone app or attachment that intentionally drains the phone battery as fast as possible.
   2. A smartphone app that converts text messages into snail mail and delivers them via post.
   3. A smartphone poison pill / fart bomb. Hard-installed behind the phone motherboard. In the event your phone gets stolen, you activate this remotely and it makes the phone stink to holy hell. The thief is frustrated and will have a hard time re-selling your wares at the local pawn shop, and his thief-friends won’t want to hang out near him.
   4. Car crash safety rating measurement company, but for cell phones and cell phone cases. Gives phones and cases different safety ratings for “Front impact,” “Side impact,” “dropped clumsily,” “thrown across the room in drunken rage,” and “rollover.”
10. Baby’s First Industrial Strength Band Saw.
11. Captcha security, but for the door of your house. That way, robots can’t break in and steal your stuff.
12. Gesture controlled everything, so you never have to actually interact with everyday objects. Instead, more conveniently, you can mime interacting with everything. For example:
    1. Gesture-controlled window shades
    2. Gesture-controlled light switch
    3. Gesture-controlled steering wheel
    4. Gesture-controlled toothbrush
13. Kickstarter: Copyright infringement version. Crowd funding for Chinese companies to make illegal knockoffs of old, beloved products that no longer exist, like Surge, Dr. Pepper Red Fusion, Ecto Cooler, and so on.
14. Replacement halves of scissors.