Part two of my list of Bad Business ideas. Click here for Part I
Author: David
Bio: Neighbor
Cell Phone Confetti Poppers: Ring tones are lame and the vibrate function doesn’t show off your personal style. Enter cell phone confetti poppers. They look just like the Square credit card reader that plugs into your earphone jack, except confetti poppers make a loud pop and shoot confetti whenever you receive a call or text! Inject some party into your daily life with cell phone confetti poppers.
Iron Chef Catering: Bring the excitement of iron chef to your next backyard party! Iron chef catering serves delicious meals with one catch: the special ingredient is not announced until the food is served! Imagine the excitement of your friends and family as everyone finds out whether each food item is going to contain bean curd… or pork bellies!
Hydrogen Party Balloons: There is a helium crisis in America. We’re low on helium and what we do have is constantly escaping earth to outer space. Hydrogen, in contrast, is abundant, cheap, and fun! Hydrogen party balloons are 8% more buoyant than conventional balloons giving your party that extra kick!
Mini Pencils: Like regular pencils, but they take up less space. The mini pencil is ideal for getting kids excited about learning how to write.
Massage Flippers: For the snorkeling enthusiast who hates foot cramps, introducing massage flippers. These electric flippers are like an electric back massage cushion, but on your feet. Sold exclusively at The Sharper Image.
Mini Smelter: If you’re like most Americans, you use electricity at home in the morning and at night, but almost not at all during the day when you’re away at work. If so, you are wasting a valuable opportunity for a completely passive source of income! A mini aluminum smelter can be turned on to run during the day, just like your dish washer. Except a smelter produces liquid metal gold* enabling you to sell commodity products to your local soda can manufacturer.
*(actually aluminum)
Thumb Wrestling TV: Thumb wrestling, also known as “the mini golf of martial arts” is actively played on playgrounds across America. Thumb Wrestling TV uncovers the fierce competition in this underground sport and introduces viewers to the top thumb warriors in the game today.
The Reverse Lottery: Looking for a fun new game where almost everyone is a winner? The reverse lottery is the game for you. Here’s how it works: Everyone who wants to play is given a ticket and $1. (Play as many times as you like!) 99%+ of players win and walk away. One player loses and everything they own is repossessed. Hey, it probably won’t be you!
Microchip Child: Microchip implants for pets have become more and more popular. Microchips allow runaway pets to be identified by pet shelters, saving pet owners from fear and heartbreak. Microchips for children bring you that same comfort and security. A microchip is perfect for the parent who likes the idea of a child leash, but doesn’t want to look like a control freak.
Hello Kitty Airlines: Fact: Most airlines are boring. Sure, they get you from point A to point B, but where is the fun in that? Hello Kitty Airline is similar to previous novelty airlines like Hooters Air, and LasVegas Airlines, except that it caters to the key elementary school girl travel demographic. Oh wait, this one already exists. My mistake.
Author: Kevin
Bio: Conspirator
HEADJAMZ: Dual sided headphones so that you can correctly listen to your music and be a walking boombox. Particularly effective on public transit. Also, the outward-facing speakers will be only tweeters, so that it’s extra tinny. We’ll make it in China from the crappiest materials possible and sell it for $200. Eat your heart out, Beats!
LP-8: Rather than recording LP to MP3, a thing that records LP to an 8 track, for maximum hipster street cred. (And futureproofing!). $400
Phonesnaps: glue snaps to your phone, wear with corresponding belt to keep phone out of the pocket of your super tight/painfully distressed jeans. For people who are a) interested in looking like a business man with a phone holster or b) vain as hell and want to show off their iphone 5. Bonus: it spins, so you can do phone tricks! 1-and-1: totally not a thief magnet! Double Bonus: Basketball jokes. Production Cost: $0.17, MSRP: $15 for 2 if you call in the first 15 minutes, plus we’ll throw in the bonus rhinestone edition for free.
Favorilunch: Food truck that just drives around and buys lunch from other places, then sells said food at a premium. Also, there are no coolers/heaters on board, so your cold stuff gets warm, and your warm stuff gets cold. Who doesn’t want 3-hour-old Big Macs? Sadly, I think this is actually a viable (and likely already executed) business plan. $5 per delivery
Overseers, Inc.: Company of consultant “watchers” to physically walk around and make sure people are productive. Big brother is guaranteed to increase productivity and worker well-being! Oh, and they won’t actually DO anything. They’ll just oversee. No reports, no telling people to get to work. Maybe they can wear the Ordinator Masks from Morrowind to instill respect. $100/hr
Lightsavers: – Company that you can pay to strip your house of 20th (and 21st) century creature comforts in the sake of eco-friendly behavior. You’ll be the envy of all your crunchy friends when they find out you not only culled the TV from your life, but also electricity, running water, and air conditioning. $morethanyoucanaffordasrippingelectricalandplumbingoutofwallsisreallyexpensive
Tepid Travelers: Travel agency to take people on tours of culturally devoid (but highly representative) parts of a city/country. Think bus tours of chintzy strip malls and outdated amusement parks. Again, for the hipster crowd (who are all pretending this wasn’t their childhood). This also would make a really great photo portfolio. $500 for a bus trip that lasts for 1 weekend, lodging and food not included, and driving to/from takes up the vast majority of the trip. Oh, and the bathrooms will all be broken and never to be repaired.
Choose your tandem adventure:
Pedalcab: – Rather than the traditional pedicab, just hop on the back of a tandem! It’s got all the convenience of a pedicab, but only 1 person can ride it, and it’s really uncomfortable. And you have to work. $Sameasacab
OR
It Takes Two to Tandem: tandem bikes dropped off throughout the city, for when you want to use a bike, but want to split the cost with someone. What are the chances someone DOESN’T want to join you at your destination? Bonus: awkward time with strangers! $Halfthepriceofacab + yourdignity (This would probably actually work really well at a music festival)
OptionalOffice: an office that folds down into a briefcase for easy travel. (Sadly, they did a similar skit this week on SNL where they had a bathroom desk that you could set up in a stall, and collapse down into a heavy suitcase) Pulled from market due to copyright infringement.
EZ Bake Dresser: Get that just-out-of-the-dryer warmth every morning with a warming drawer in your dresser! Definitely not a fire hazard or an incredible waste of energy! Covert your old dresser for $300+installation, or buy our custom dressers with multiple warming drawers for only $2000. Also, every drawer has its own plug, so BYO power strip(s).
The Snap-on-Sipper: Snap-on lid for a soup bowl so you can drink the broth without worrying about spilling it all over your face. Because, you know, tipping is dangerous. Production cost: $0.12, MSRP: $6 for 2 if you call within the next 15 minutes.
The Comfort of Digital Security: A filing cabinet that unlocks with an app. Because cellphones and apps will forever be used, supported, and/or culturally relevant. But when that forever ends, all your shit is trapped for the next ever. $249.99 (from Skymall only)
EcoBeans: An eco-friendly company that only sells its coffee to people who bring their own mug. If you don’t you get it served to you in one of those super-crappy paper cups you get at the golf course. Spills and burns will teach you, treehater! $Priceless
HandHolders: A (customizable!) strap to put on your laptop so that you can carry it with one hand. Since you can’t carry it with one hand already. This will be all the rage with kids because a) it’s pointless and b) it’s a status symbol. We’ll sell this for $80 to generate maximum strife between middle school kids and their hard-working parents.
Author: Matt
Bio: Designer
1) Moving Buddy — just like a real friend who “helps” you move, you pay for an expert with a crossover SUV whose car can only carry half of your stuff to come watch you struggle to fit your couch through the door, occasionally encouraging you to “back it out, and try it sideways.”
2) Junk Mail Disposal — a technician comes by your house every morning and throws away your junk mail. And maybe some of your other mail.
3) E-mail answering service — I spend about 70% of my time answering emails, and most of the time the recipients couldn’t care less what I say. So why not pay an up-and-coming comedian to practice their one-liners on my behalf?
4) Notification notifier — A subscription-based notification service that notifies you when you have unread notifications.
5) “No-fly list? No problem!” Airlines — A budget airline that doesn’t hire any security personnel. It’s cheaper, and faster — no lines, no metal detectors, no pesky bomb-sniffing dogs. Carry all the liquids you want.
6) If Lenscrafters can put an optometrist in every WalMart, I don’t see why we can’t have walk-in plastic surgery shops in shopping malls.
7) Opposite Day — A restaurant that serves the opposite of whatever you order. “I’ll just have a salad.” ? Hope you like 3 lbs of flank steak. ” Can you make that without tomatoes?” What about making it with ONLY tomatoes? Of course, you can try to game the system, but there’s a catch — every 100th order the kitchen receives is taken at face value.
8) The Napp Store — Retail outlets like coffee shops, where you can buy a nap. Naps come in Small, Medium, or Large. Remember, for whatever you need, “There’s a Nap for that.”
9) Ummmmeter — Like a pedometer, only it counts the number of times you say “ummmm …” or any variant thereof. Allows you to share this statistic on Facebook or twitter.
10) A service to have people come and do odd jobs for you, but only to 95% completion. This way, you feel incredibly accomplished (“I did 3 loads of laundry, mowed my lawn, walked my dog, and washed my car today!”) without having to actually do any of the hard work.
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