Blueberry Hill Menu

A-ha! Even the venerable Blueberry Hill (from last week’s post) is susceptible to flaws.

Mathematical!

1) You’ll have to look closely, here. The All-American Platter reads: “choice of three bacon strips, three sausage links, or three sausage patties.” Same price.

Just below, the first Side Order option reads “Four pieces of bacon, three sausage links, or two sausage patties.” Same price.

Which means, given the uneven valuations of bacon and sausage patties, we’ve got an economics problem! Your optimal strategy, when ordering your sides, is to get four strips of bacon—a bonus slice of bacon, according to the All-American Platter equation. When ordering the All-American platter, you do the reverse: order three sausage patties. In a full-on supply & demand economy (including the option to participate as a seller as well as a buyer), you’d have an arbitrage opportunity: buying bacon in the side-order market and selling bacon in the All-American platter market.

This, in the scheme of things, is not that big a deal.

2) More important: For all the work they do to make Blueberry Hill a comfortable place…what the heck is up with the policy of no separate checks?

I mean, places can do separate checks. It’s fairly commonplace. Why wouldn’t you offer it? Why would you automatically build in an inconvenience for any party greater than one or two? Is it worth the extra, say, $0.20 to give your customers a hard time? Or is Blueberry Hill busy enough, and confident enough in its business, that the $0.20 transaction differences add up?

Lessons from Joe Edwards

"Uncle Joe."

Joe Edwards (above, left, with Chuck Berry, right), is a real, live folk-hero.

If you’re from St. Louis you already know the story, and you’ve already visited and revered his trademark restaurant, Blueberry Hill. If you’re not, you can pick up the story from his Blueberry Hill profile, or his Wikipedia. The jist of it: Joe opened a bar/restaurant in the 70’s, spearheaded a movement that turned a questionable area of town (called “The Loop”) into a nationally-recognized entertainment district and tourist destination, is currently involved in an impossible number of new, vibrant business projects, and is generally a very highly regarded and respected person in the scene.

I was incredibly lucky to have met Joe personally through our professional relationship while I was at Eleven. We didn’t talk much—business, with Joe, never took much negotiating—but I still learned an incredible amount through working with him directly, and in the same city. Here’s a few lessons.

1) Live the story you tell. Joe’s story is Blueberry Hill: A homey, feel-good bar, stuffed with pop-culture memorabilia. There’s a very 50’s feel. Likewise, Joe hasn’t changed much over the years—same pony tail, Hawaiian shirts & khaki shorts, vintage sports car, and cheery attitude as ever (see above, minus the car). You can spot him from down the block. He’s a natural extension of his business—for lack of a better word, a living, breathing mascot. Every voicemail he’s ever [grammar error fixed. Thanks, Pete!] left has started “Hello! This is Joe Edwards from Blueberry Hill!” It feels good to see him, to talk to him, and as a natural extension, it feels good to spend time in his place of business.

I’ve heard stories that, in the 70’s, Joe would from time to time have to physically eject ruffian customers who didn’t fit his image. Bad for business in the short run, as the gangster kids figured out that Blueberry Hill wouldn’t even accept their business. Families figured this out too, and moved their business in soon after the punks took off.

There are countless other factors involved, granted. But it all starts with #1. Joe is Blueberry Hill’s best salesperson. He picked a story and business to match, and totally immersed himself in it. You don’t go to Blueberry Hill because they’re running a good price special (they don’t have any). Nor do you go, for the most part, because it’s the corner bar (even going through Wash U, Blueberry Hill is notorious for having among the hardest-carding bouncers in the city). You go to Blueberry Hill because it’s Blueberry Hill, and because it’s Joe’s place.

2) Have a cohesive, comprehensive vision. Everything—literally, everything—that Joe gets involved in is geared or optimized to serve #1. It’s incredible. Let’s look at some examples:

A) Everything, from the restaurant, to the bowling alley, to the hotel, to the movie theater, has a distinct “Joe Edwards” feel. The 50’s vibe. The penchant for collectibles. I can close my eyes and envision the types of materials I’d expect to see and feel, the fonts and diction used. The hours (open every day of the year, without question, ever). Just distinct enough to be unique, and yet, bring to mind the good feelings drawn from every prior Joe Edwards experience.

The Loop, surrounding Blueberry Hill, has a (possibly unwritten, but verifiably Joe-enforced) rule that no bars are allowed to open on the street. Every liquor-licensed venue in the neighborhood is a restaurant (I suppose, encouraging a family-friendly environment) that happens to also have a bar. Even the places that Joe doesn’t own conform to the Joe feel.

B) Joe’s businesses actually complement each other. Pi and Pappy’s, respectively wildly successful pizza and barbecue places in St. Louis, responded to their good fortunes by opening up new pizza and barbecue places—there’s now five places serving Pi-style pizza, and two serving Pappy’s-quality barbecue. How much of either could you consume in a day (much less a month)?

On the other hand: Joe noticed that his Blueberry Hill bar patrons were still thirsty after the place closes at 1:00am. He then opened Pin-Up Bowl, down the street with a 3:00am liquor license. I couldn’t count the number of times I’ve made that 1:02am trek between the former and the latter (because of the frequency, mind you, not my inebriation).

Joe is the city’s biggest proponent for developing and promoting The Loop. Why? The more foot traffic on the street, the more people who are likely to stop in for a burger or a pint.

Joe revitalized the Tivoli Theater on the Loop. Because “dinner and a movie” makes sense, and movie-goers only having to park once for both even more so. Joe built the Moonrise Hotel on the Loop. Where are out-of-towners (who probably don’t have a car, and certainly don’t have a good grasp of the neighborhoods) who stay at a hotel most likely to go eat?

C) Non-business ventures that still ultimately promote #1. Joe founded the St. Louis Walk of Fame, a series of commemorative stars embedded in the sidewalks along (you guessed it) the Loop’s Delmar Boulevard. The organization is billed as a non-profit—but at the end of the day, who do you suppose the increased foot traffic serves?

He had a hand in the Loop Planet Walk, which starts directly in front of his Moonrise Hotel.

Most recently, Joe installed a Chuck Berry Statue across the street from Blueberry Hill. Joe is renowned for being a good friend of Chuck’s, who, by the way, plays St. Louis shows exclusively at Joe-owned venues (a monthly gig at Blueberry Hill, and occasionally, a date at The Pageant down the street).

And finally, there’s Joe’s forthcoming Loop Trolley project. It’s designed to connect the Loop to nearby Forest Park, bridging and enriching two of the city’s best public attractions. Two of the proposed train stops are directly in front of Joe’s Pageant and Tivoli. But forget that—the local stuff is small potatoes. The trolley project has already received $25 Million in federal funding, and is a sure-fire bet to win a ton of nationwide publicity and tourism interest.

I’ll give Pi some credit here: I’d bet it’s no coincidence that they’re widely known for receiving a positive review from Barack Obama and that their first geographic expansion point was Washington DC—let the consumer draw their own fascinating daydream conclusion there. But Joe wrote the book on the subject. Everything he’s done is intertwined in a beautiful, expansive, self-nurturing and ever-growing web.

3) You’re only as busy as you make yourself. Perhaps the most important, and practical, lesson of all.

Even given the towering number of projects and businesses he’s involved in (and I’m sure I’ve only just scratched the surface), Joe is simply not that hard to get a hold of. You can reach him by calling his extension at Blueberry Hill (which anyone at the bar will give out)—on a bad day, he’ll respond to your voicemail and call you back within 36 hours. On a good day, he’ll pick up the phone on the very first ring.

Everything he does he handles without a computer—or at least, an email address.

It seems impossible. Maybe Joe’s simply a step ahead, again—physically avoiding the timesink that we general public succumb to on the internet. I prefer to think that he’s just a model for work ethic. One might conjecture that the biggest hurdle to getting things done is simply worrying about not getting everything done. Joe responds to everything on his plate, swiftly and decisively. He doesn’t leave loose ends or putz around with petty debt or open deals—with all the time and energy I’ve seen some bar owners expend making and further delaying delinquent payments (and my experience, indubitably, being just a minuscule sample), who knows what they might have otherwise accomplished. On the contrary, his abilities to reach decisions, follow through, and get work (big or small) done are the stuff of legend.

Thanks, Joe.

Motor Oil

Valvoline. Castrol, GTX. Pennzoil. Mobil 1.

Thinking with your dipstick.

I don’t get it.

I don’t mean the whole dipstick thing. I’m talking more about the fact that I’ve probably seen a thousand motor oil commercials in my lifetime, and I’ve never, even once, remotely considered consuming the product category—not even the product, the product category—advertised.

Who’s buying all this motor oil to justify the exorbitant commercial advertising budgets?

I’m guessing that I’ve seen most of the motor oil commercials in my viewing history on sports networks. Certainly got the male demographic down, and I can imagine that the 6am SportsCenter time slot appealed just as much to 30-year old guys on their way to work as it did to 15-year old me on my way to high school.

But let’s think: What percentage subset of american males could be interested in doing their own oil changes? What percentage even have cars? (THE INTERNET suggests 30% change their own oil (“70% rely on others”); my hunch is it’s even lower than this.) Most places recommend an oil change every 7500 miles or 6 months. (I’d guess, meanwhile, that most people just wait for the panic light on their dash to go on.) THE INTERNET also suggests something like 3-4.5 liters per change. You can get six quarts on Amazon for something like $30-50. So we can’t be talking about more than $75 / yr per customer.

…Seriously? That’s what you’ve been pitching me on, for years?

I get the gist of the long sell. Diamond companies probably don’t mind that 15-year-old me gets incidental views—they’re priming me to some day hunker down and spend $XX,000 on what amounts to little more than a worthless pebble. Beer companies don’t mind, because as soon as (my ID says) I’ve turned 21, I’m doomed to be a hopeless addict. But motor oil? Even a lifetime customer who’s loyal for 40 years couldn’t reasonably spend much more than, like, $3,000. (And how high could brand loyalty even be? How loyal are you to Shell, Sunoco, BP, or Mobil gas?)

And it’s not like these commercials are even geared towards expanding the market! The pitch isn’t “Hey, try changing your own oil! It’s easy using this stuff!”, it’s “our brown goop is better than the others! Look at all these chemicals and nutrients and junk!” Pennzoil and Castrol and whoever are simply bickering with each other over what already seems like an astonishingly small target market.

It seems like the marketing efforts of motor oil, on an entire-industry level, are a complete disaster.

What would I do?

1) Screw advertising. No more TV ads, no more “Castrol Presents the Pennzoil Halftime show brought to you by Valvoline.” It really doesn’t seem like product pitching on such a massive, generic level is worthwhile. With exception for, say, NASCAR events. Maybe.

2) Absolutely conquer your biggest customers. These are probably Jiffy Lube, Pep Boys, Midas, and the like. Make sure that every single outlet exclusively carries your product,which, unlike Joe Six Pack watching ESPN, they’re actually probably consuming at a reasonable rate. This should be easier now that you’ve freed up those millions of burdensome TV dollars.

3) Expand the market, and shoot for loyal customers. I’d guess that the best venue for this would be New, and Used Car Dealerships. With new car owners, you’ve established a time-opportunity for a fresh start and a behavioral change (“have you considered taking better, personal care of your new car?”). With used car buyers, you’ve established a group who’s demonstrated a modicum of car savvy, as well as an interest in saving a few extra dollars a year on their transport.

Or am I wrong? Anyone out there with oil changing experience? Anyone ever been swayed by one of these commercial campaigns? Anyone ever thought with their dipstick?

Cell Phone Maps

You’ve seen this map before. (I just did, a few weeks ago at Lollapalooza in Chicago):

duh, can you hear me now?

…well, what the hell?

This map makes no sense to me as a marketing tool. Why do I care? Why is it important that there will be 145 new markets in 2011? Or that Texas seems about 60% covered compared to Georgia’s 100%?

I use my phone at my house, at the office, and downtown at the bars. With little exception. Verizon, your service sucks on my campus. I don’t care that the folks in Miltonville, Mississippi get five-bar reception at 4G speeds in 3D. And it especially doesn’t matter because even if I wanted to call there, it’s not like I need to be on the same network as the receiving party.

So why are phone companies still using this map in their promotional materials?

You could argue that the lowest common denominator of people seek the aid of infographics to help making decisions. I still say we could do better. Couldn’t we fairly easily make localized maps for each local ad placement? This seems like an easy, effective promotional campaign. Or would that be too damning of cell phone carriers’ spotty coverage?

Satellite TV

You know the pitch.

DirecTV, now with ten billion channels! All of them are in HD, as well as regular D! Three new movie channels for every day for the rest of your life, guaranteed! Record seven hundred shows at once with the DVR-humbo-jumbo and never miss your, your wife’s, your son’s, your mom’s, your coworkers’, or anyone in greater Salt Lake City’s favorite shows that are all playing at once again! Sports games, from every angle—like the new Jock Cam! Watch the games as they’re seen by your favorite player’s genitals!

I get it. Big numbers are impressive and help sales. I’m not going to waste my time with AT&T’s package that’s only up to nine billion channels (they’ve got the Jock Cam, but not for any of the minor league or high school games. Pfft!).

Who is actually watching all that junk? Really? Even the most devout, relentless TV watchers must have some specialized interests—sports, dramas, movies, etc.—rendering 75% of the channels useless. Is there a version of Dunbar’s Number for TV channels?

And further: What’s the point anymore of putting the news at Channel 2, then the sports at channel 134, and then the movies between channels 7632-48? In the old days, you had different channel numbers to reflect different wave frequencies to be picked up by your TV antenna. And there’s no consistency from carrier to carrier, area to area. When I come home to New York to visit my parents, I can’t find anything on TV. I’m 23—I should have at least 40 more years before I’ve got to toss the remote aside to some young whippersnapper and scoff at this sort of thing.

Who’s winning here? Does DirecTV get an ego boost every time I have to scroll through six dozen channels to find the one I want? Is it a bizarre revenue sharing model to try and generate commercial viewership for lesser-watched channels? Is it some kind of a sales pitch that half the channels I click on while I’m surfing are unavailable because I don’t have the right programming package? You want to watch one of these twelve channels? Too bad! Should’ve gotten the ninety billion channel package, instead of your puny ten billion option.

Whatever it is, it doesn’t make sense.

You know how I’d win the next generation of TV watchers? Keep your eleven trillion channel programming packages, but give me the option to program the channels to whichever number I want. Channels 1-10 that I love, 11-11,000,000,000,000 to sniff through on a rainy day.

101 Winners!

A winner is you!

I saw a billboard promotion for this for the local casino in St. Louis.

…which seems to imply (the, in fact, entirely earnest and plausible scenario) that, out of the entire casino, having 101 people win and walk away with money is an occasion that’s outlandish enough that it should be celebrated and promoted. Nobody ever wins here—this place is a total money sink! But for one night only, maybe 3% of you will win something (…before you blow it again! Don’t forget to play the slot machines on your way out!)

Hah.

Price Discrimination, Framing, and The Weather

Once upon a time, Coca-Cola was testing out a new model of Coke vending machines that price discriminated. I first learned about it in an old case study from some Marketing class I took at Wash U.

For non-buffs: Price discrimination “exists when sales of identical goods or services are transacted at different prices from the same provider.” (Thanks, Wikipedia)

In essence:

  1. Coke’s consumer research department figures out that people are thirstier when it’s hot out.
  2. Coke’s Marketing Department decide that thirstier people should be willing to spend more for a Coke.
  3. Coke’s product development team create a thermometer to tell the vending machine to raise prices whenever it gets really hot out.

That Times article is from 1999, and I bet you haven’t seen a vending machine like this yet. Why?

Probably because it’s a terrible idea. Consumers hated it. After I told you about it, you probably hated the idea of Coke trying to gouge you for a few extra cents when you’re especially thirsty. I don’t blame you.

Except it wasn’t a terrible idea. It was just executed incorrectly.

Imagine, on the other hand, a Coke machine with a thermometer that checked for cold weather. Whenever the temperature got low enough, the price of a Coke goes down—sales will be low anyway, and Coke’s just trying to drive revenue by creating a sale.

Sounds a lot better, no? In the latter case, Coke is doing consumers a favor. In the former, Coke is unfairly taking advantage of its sweatiest consumers.

Obviously, this is the same exact machine—it’s just framed differently. Your brain does funny things like that.

Almost every bar in the universe price discriminates. Ever hear of something called “Happy Hour?” Yup. That’s just bars’ way of charging you more money for your beer during prime hours.

I bring this all up because it’s snowing out today and I just ordered Domino’s, and I’m not planning on going anywhere. Why don’t pizza delivery places offer a price “discount” on deliveries when the weather’s nice?

Sunblock

Things that aren’t really secrets about me:

  1. I do music stuff.
  2. Consequently, I frequent summer music festivals across the country.

From my vast experience in the field, here’s a list of things that you’re all but guaranteed to see at a massive music festival that’s doing it right:

  1. Anheuser-Busch stage sponsorship
  2. PepsiCo consumer experience
  3. Local craft brewery vending booth
  4. Red Bull stage / afterparty / ridiculous thing
  5. Village Voice media sponsorship
  6. some music

What you’ll never see, on the other hand: sunblock companies. This seems like a massive missed opportunity.

From my perspective: I, like many of my fest-goer compatriots, am a pasty white kid normally much better suited for sitting indoors hunched over a computer screen. I’ve committed myself to spending the next eight hours outside in the blistering sun (and further, from Coppertone’s perspective, established myself as someone who may very well make that decision again in the future).

A free sunblock sample? You bet.

Pepsi is fighting to sell me a product about which I’ve already formulated a strong opinion. Sunblock is a cheap, discretionary purchase, and I’ve got absolutely no brand loyalty—I’ll take something that’s cheap and has the number 45 or 60 on it. If, of course, I even remember to buy some.

Imagine if Banana Boat got a festival booth, brought out a massage chair, and had cute girls in bikinis rub sun block in for me. I believe this fantasy already exists in the minds of many young males. You do that for me and I’m a customer for life—and the company didn’t even need to implement a crazy interactive contest, or social media support, or anything.

When’s the last time you saw a Coppertone promotion for anything? Maybe I need to start a sunblock company.