I’ve invented two drinking games, which today I’d like to share with you.

After countless revisions, I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s quite honestly no way I can present this post without making myself look like an alcoholic. So, to hopefully offset the effect of shocking away future potential employers, here first is an academic look at what makes drinking games good (and bad).

I’ve narrowed it down to four principles that every drinking game should aspire to achieve:

1. A successful drinking game must accommodate no less than four players.
2. It must have the simplest rules possible.
3. It must leave ample room for creativity.
4. Above all else, it must cause players to forget that they’re drinking, socializing, and playing by rules.

Here are those principles in action:

Beer Pong, the unquestioned king in Drinking Game Land, employs simple rules (shoot the ball in the cup and the other guy drinks), necessitates four players, and allows for creativity (you can re-organize the cups into any shape you like, and you can invoke any number of house rules). I’ve written before about my distaste for pong, as it treads a very close line to being antisocial and feeling like you’re simply playing with two people. Nevertheless, as the drinking game standard, beer pong benefits greatly from the network effect of almost never having to explain to anyone how to play.

Kings (often otherwise known as Circle of Death) typically requires at least four players (of mixed genders, to boot!), and has an abundance of room for creativity. The rules can be somewhat comprehensive, and unclear, though. You’re often required to take more than one “drink” at a time—it’s unclear whether that’s a “sip,” or a gulp, or a second, and it’s also easy to cheat.

My least favorite game, overall, is Fuck the Dealer, which completely obliterates Principle #4 at game’s end.

On the other hand, Flip Cup may be my favorite. Of all the games I can call to mind, Flip Cup is designed to engage the most players—well over four people—and has painfully simple rules (flip the cup! It’s in the name!). And though creativity takes a slight hit, there’s nothing like seven peers screaming and cheering at you to make you forget about the slug of beer you just slurped down.

Lightning Round: Quarters fits the bill well, but the quarters often drown out anyone else in the party. Anchorman sometimes painfully reminds you that you’re binge drinking. Beer Dice has overly complicated rules. Civil War is a pleasant modification of beer pong to involve more people. And the Power Hour has mixed #4 results.

We’ll look at my games next week.