A heated debate over a family dinner on a late summer eve: Given an open menu, what might be the best food items to pick in anticipation of a food fight?

Okay, so my family is a little weird.

Anyway, here are the metrics we came up with (in no order):

• Knockback: You want your artillery to connect with a satisfying *thud*. There’s little joy to be had in successfully landing a single pea across the brow of your foe. Little benefit, too—she’ll easily be able to recover and return volley. Assuming a goal of general messiness and fun, your optimal choice here might be something like a handsomely cut prime rib. (For those seeking a trip to the hospital, by all means consider whole watermelons, thanksgiving turkeys, and other heavyweight options.)
• Residue: Lacking anything in the way of a stamina bar, body counts, etc., to measure fight success, your effectiveness is primarily measured in how much schlop you can deploy upon your enemy’s hair, face, and clothing. Consequently, your weapon’s ability to leave residue is critical. Most dry foods falter notably in this department. Stickiness may be the most desirable food attribute. Be mindful, however, that residue is a double-edged sword—what’s likely to stick to your opponent’s Sunday best is also likely to stick to your own hands.
• Range: How far can your food be thrown? The value of this criteria is likely dependent on external environmental factors. Are we in a large restaurant, or your girlfriend’s apartment’s kitchen? Is there cover available? Some food items may not have enough internal cohesion to stick together for a long flight. Shrimp seem to have an ideal weight/size/consistency for long volleys, but be warned: They can also be easily picked up and re-used by the enemy.
• Sound: Often a side-benefit of weaponry with high knockback or residue, your food’s sound on contact is often highly correlated with your satisfaction. A nice *plop* is good, a *crack* means we might be headed to the infirmary.
• Miscellaneous Comedy: There’s no other way to describe it. Some foods are just funnier than others. Consider the comparative joy found between throwing a slice of cake at your brother across the room, and throwing a slice of wedding cake. Opt for foods that are widely regarded as gross, especially fancy, or foreign.