You heard it hear first: I’m tired of all this hooplah about Josh Hamilton. Baseball’s new hero after slamming 28 homeruns in the first round of the homerun derby? No, I say baseball’s new nuisance. And he didn’t even manage to hit one out of the stadium (though boy, did he come close).

Here’s what bugs the heck out of me. Everyone–every SINGLE analyst, broadcaster, interviewer, columnist, and public figure–can only manage to describe him as “what a great story.”

Joe Morgan (or some other fool): “I’m picking Josh Hamilton in the derby today, because, you know, what a great story he is.”
Rick Reilly: “I’ve got to agree, Harold, he really is a great story.”
Peter Gammons: “I’m decrepit and too old to be doing this but people feel bad for me because I had a stroke. Josh Hamilton is a great story, though.”
Chris Berman: “And Josh Hamilton, BACK-BACK-BACK-GREAT-BACK-STORY-BACK HOMERUN!!”
Joe Morgan: greatstory greatstory greatstory greatstory greatstory greatstory greatstory greatstory greatstory greatstory greatstory greatstory asdfasdfasdfadsf
Tom Emanski: BACK TO BACK TO BACK TO BACK TO BACK TO BACK AAU NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS but also josh hamilton is a great story

How long until the back of his jersey reads #32, Hamiltongreatstory ? He’s an exceptional ball player, but let’s be real — he pissed away 5 prime years of his playing career to drugs. If Dennis Rodman came back to basketball next week, would we call him a great story? No, we’d say “screw that guy, he is a weirdo.”

I suppose it’s better than the old scenario, though.

Everyone: Welcome to thBARRYCLEMENSSTEROIDS /headexplodes

Get back to me when they stop saying “Josh HaGreatStorymilton” and just stick with “Josh Hamilton, what a great ballplayer.” Or when he grows a Giambi*.

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*is it safe yet to refer to Giambi’s phenomenal moustache as “a Giambi”? If not then, well, you heard that one here first, too.