Contrary to all popular belief and reasonable logic, I’m remarkable. In fact, I’m the best in the world at something. There’s video to prove it.
Those who know me well might have guessed that I’d be a World Record holder in line-cutting. I’ve got a storied history in that department, from Six Flags and Shea Stadium to opening night at Star Wars I and Harry Potter in IMAX. Everyone’s got one super-power, and although mine probably won’t be of any use in saving damsels-in-distress, it’s nice to have discovered it at such a formative age.
But anyway, I’m not an officially-documented line-cutter. But I do hold the world (universal!) record in shaving one’s own mustache. 36.65 seconds. Sounds easy to beat, but then again, there are at least six other people documented who tried and failed.
Added bonuses:
- I have an official world-record holder patch.
- Saucony is mailing me a free pair of sneakers for holding the record all weekend at Pitchfork Music Festival.
- I got to rock a wicked Abe Lincoln beard for the rest of the weekend.
A bunch of people have threatened to break the record. I’d like to see you guys try.