Twitter is arguably, if not probably, the new internet.  I’ll let someone else drool all over you in relaying its benefits.

My disappointment with Twitter stems from the obscene lack of knowledge the site puts on display.  It’s evident to me that, say, 80% of Twitter users have absolutely, positively, no idea what the hell they’re doing on the site.  Let’s break Twitter users down into four categories:

1. Non-User. Like this guy, who took a completely awesome username off the market and is doing nothing with it.

2. Yeah me too guys, right? Heard that Twitter is the new thing, but has no idea what he’s doing.  Probably is of the assumption that having more followers is better, and randomly clicks “follow” on a hundred other Twitter-ers so that they’ll follow him.  Has no expectations of actually paying attention to these people, yet for some reason, expects that they’ll give a crap about what he has to say.

I’ll give you a great example:  I used to be on Twitter.  Over the summer I started a website, which was a ton of fun until schoolwork sort of happened again in the fall.  I hopped on the bandwagon like everyone else, and started a Twitter account.  Note two things about that link:  First, that I was thoughtful enough to write actual posts on occasion, to supplement shamelessly directing followers to read my blog (you’ll probably call me a hypocrite later, anyway).  Second, note the date on my most recent update:  September 16th, 2008.  Nearly 7 months ago.  That in mind, here’s a screencap from my email inbox:

Like instructions for a Where’s Waldo puzzle,  here’s what I want you to look for:

• The dates when these users decided to follow me
• The total number of users who’ve decided to follow me
• The user listed here with the most brain cells (okay, trick question)

Again, this kind of blind, shameless following does nobody any good.  You don’t win at Twitter by having the most followers.  You win by getting a few followers who really care about what you have to say.  Twitter is like a number of male body parts:  It’s not the size that counts, it’s how you use it.

3. Wayyyyy too much personal use. Right, like pre-teen girls needed another means of complaining to everyone who’ll listen about every single menial thing that’s going on in their tiny bubble of a world.  Youtube. GroupHug. PostSecret. Fmylife.  Xanga. MySpace. [Note, clicking those links is completely voluntary.  Save your sanity and just don’t.]  Give me a break.  The internet should have two websites on it:  Wikipedia, and some resource for free pornography.  That’s it.  Everything else is fluff.

4. The miniscule, miniscule percentage of people who actually grasp what’s going on – and this I’d further divide into two subsections:

4A. Twitter for personal use / fun. Realize that using Twitter is effectively a dolled-up medium for sending public text messages / instant messages.  So, instead of sharing this totally awesome link with my buddy Matt, I’ll tweet it so that everyone can see.  Or, I’ll direct the tweet at him, and let his followers see how cool and awesome at the internet I am.  On occasion, you get people like Eric who are incredibly talented at creating 140-character capsules of the most repulsive and hilarious comments imaginable.  I hesitate to link to him, since his material is far, far, far away from PG rated.  But if you find him, you’ll understand.

4B. Twitter for Business. I love this one – I’d call it “apparent transparency.”  [I’m an alliterary genius]  Now, your big ‘ol corporation can make it look like it’s got a human side by opening a Twitter account and interacting with people on a one-on-one basis. They used to have a term for this back in the day… customer service.  But why actually invest in human beings to interact with your customers when you can have just one guy feed them information in text message-sized tidbits?

Alternatively, you might read this segment as those companies who acquire hundreds of followers a la category 2, then sending out mass updates about useless crap a la category 3.  But still, consumers are buying into it.  Hell yeah, I want up-to-date information on what’s going on with M&M’s.

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Perhaps most of all, I’m infuriated by those Twitter users who exclusively use the site as a means to re-direct followers to their own webpage every time they’ve updated it.  For two reasons:  First, because they’ll use a URL-shortening service like tinyurl.com, or is.gd, and I’ll leave it up to their best judgment as to whether or not I really want to be on that site.  You literally have absolutely no idea what to expect if I told you to follow this link: http://tinyurl.com/czmf2c .  Is it a Rick Roll?  Is it safe for work?  Is it a virus?  I promise you it’s a link to Eleven’s fancy new website, but do you believe me?  Hope so.  There are already Twitter viruses going around that are counting on it.

Second, it’s asinine for you to tweet me every time your site updates.  That’s just adding a step to a service that’s already readily available on the internet – one that’s a a lot more effective to boot.  It’s called an RSS feed.  Don’t harass me to follow you.  If you’ve got something engaging, intelligent, and worthwhile to say, trust me – I’ll find a way to you.

Don’t buy the Twitter hype.   Learn about what an RSS feed is, and sign yourself up for a great (and of course free) RSS Feed reader at Google.  It’ll compile everything on the internet that you already like to read, and might even come up with some good suggestions for other stuff you’ll like.

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