Grills Gone Wild: What’s in a Name?

By JoshPetersel in Eleven - Grills Gone Wild, Josh does Music 3 Comments

[Note: This column appeared in Eleven Issue 1.4, which was released some time around April 2007.]

So, now you’ve got the hair.  And you’ve got the hip styles.  But before you get out there and buy some talent, you’re going to need an identity.

It matters not who you are, why you’re here, or where you’re from.  If you’re reading this article, you’ve probably got a name.  It could be something dainty, like Petunia, or something utterly awesome, like Frederico the Magnificent.  Names can be applied to all kinds of things, from people to puppies to pet rocks. In short:  they’re important.

We here at Eleven know how valuable good names are.  We’ve spent countless hours diving into the depths of nameology.  I thought I’d lend some of my expertise to you all in readerville in hopes of avoiding impending naming disasters.

I don’t think I really need to define for you what “name” means.  Probably no more than I needed to type up this long-winded intro segment.  If you so desire, feel free to ignore those few paragraphs you just read, and double your reading efforts on the forthcoming meaty stuff.  Well here we go, here we go, here we go again.

…

Your Band Name Sucks

Ever wonder why nobody pays attention to your crappy music?  I’d wager that (as per the title of this section) it’s probably because people can’t tell your band name from something crappy that they wouldn’t want to pay attention to.  Like…celery.  Who’d want to take time out of their day and devote it to celery?  Maybe a celery farmer.  For the rest of you folk, here are some simple things you can do at home to give your band name that extra kick in the pants that you’re looking for.

Add a random spattering of accents or punctuation: Easy example–would you rather listen to…err…pretend you put up with the garbage from (a) Panic at the Disco, (b) Panic at the Disco!, or (c) Panic! At the Disco?  Surely, you must be intrigued by (c)’s blatant misuse of basic grammar.  And as such, it’s no surprise to find that upon a basic search of the iTunes music store, group (c) is the only one that even shows up.  Still, one must wonder about whatever happened to P!anic! At the??? D!sco!.  I guess the jury’s still out on that one.

Come up with something that’s easy to nickname: Your average deadbolt music fan will absolutely love being able to use an endearing nickname for your band.  For example, everyone loves the ‘Stones more than they love The Rolling Stones, just like you’d rather get a Half & Half at BD than a half order of chicken fingers with a half order of fries at Bears’ Den.  Or think about how much less fun you’d have in Psych 100 if you read about regular Hans instead of Clever Hans.  It’s just human nature, plain and simple.  Giving nicknames to stuff is the best thing since sliced bread.

Something to keep in mind:  You can’t simply establish your band name as the nickname.  Imagine listening to the Stones without prior knowledge that they’re rolling.  Or ponder if you’d really want to eat at a place that simply said “BD” on the front door.  It’s just not the same.  I’d probably be too weird-ed out to go in.

One more thing: like most everything holy and delightful in this world, not every nickname is a good one.  Sometimes you get a rotten apple.  For example, I strongly considered writing this section about the Red Hot Chili Peppers, but got too worried that some of you might get their nickname (RHCP) confused with that awesome gun from Goldeneye (please, please tell me that reference didn’t fall on deaf ears.  It’s so money).  Or, think back to the huge fuss put up by those animal lovers at the World Wildlife Foundation when they stole the WWF from the World Wrestling Federation.  Those jerks.

Definitely do NOT include a member’s name in the band title: How freaking pompous and full of yourself do you have to be to name your band Dave Matthews Band, or Ben Folds Five?  Nobody wants to put up with that garbage.  Besides, fans will have a hard time proving how ULTIMATE they are because they can name the whole band when the better part of it appears on the back of the album.  Stop the self-promoting horse crap.  Unless you’re somebody famous…like if Jerry Seinfeld started a band or something.  Jerry! Seinfeld and the Sunday!! Peaches? would be such a hit.

It’s okay (even beneficial) to make your band a play on the members’ names: Some of today’s and yesteryear’s biggest bands modeled their monikers in this fashion.  Take Eminem for example, the greatest rapper of all time (besides Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan and Dylan).  Where would he be as Marshal Mathers?  Probably at the drive thru window hanging out with Kevin Federline.  And Fred Durst.

I’m sure we all also remember busting out the funk to the BeeGees back in the day.  I don’t think the plain old Brothers Gibb would even win a wrestling match against the Brothers Grimm, who’ve probably been dead for over a hundred years.  And don’t for one second think that simply tacking an arbitrary nickname onto your regular name counts.  I’m talking to you, John Cougar Mellencamp.  Everything you’ve done since you introduced the Cougar has been a crime against humanity.

You can’t go wrong with a band name that’s impossibly easy: Queen.  Styx.  The Who.  KISS.  Beck.  AC/DC.  Am I wrong?  Of course not.  Ben Franklin invented the saying “Keep it simple, stupid” for a reason.

If you do decide to go with something else, however, you’d better make sure it’s perplexing enough to turn heads.  For inspiration, consider bands like Neutral Milk Hotel, Suburban Kids with Biblical Names, Saturday Looks Good to Me, or I’m From Barcelona (they’re actually from Sweden).  If it’s verifiably WTF-able, it’s probably a winner.

Commands are awesome: I’m surprised this isn’t more popular.  Anything that’d fit in on Moses’ stone tablets has got to be money.  Just think, “Thou shall not kill.  Thou shall not steal.  Thou shall Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!”  Unwholesomely good.  Thou shall agree.

…

Creating Your Band Name

Hit a mental block?  That’s probably why you’re doing music for a living in the first place.  But if you can’t seem to think up a good name, maybe this little guide can help—Mad Libs style.

Style 1: Short but sweet.

Noun:_________

Preposition:_________

Noun:­­­­___________

Example: Typhoons between Supermarkets

Style 2: The Mouthful

Adjective:__________

Noun:____________

Action Verb:__________

Conjunction:_________

Adverb:__________

Verb (ending in –ing):___________

Noun:____________

Example:  Purple Monkey Dance by Fluorescently Poking Pajamas

Style 3: The Compound Sentence

Subject:­­­­­­­­­­­­___________

Verb:____________

Predicate Adjective:______________

Predicate Nomnative:_____________

Direct Object:_____________

Indirect Object:_______________

Example:  Yeah…Never really paid attention in English…I’m not sure what half of those mean.

Style 4: The One Word Wonder

Random word from the Dictionary:_________

Example: Fracas.

Style 5: The Ultimate

Something Gross:_______

Adjective:__________

Something Fast:___________

Segment of that Fast Thing:___________

Lucky Number:____________

Example:  Naturally, Diarrhea Express Train Cart #6.  What, you were expecting maybe Slaughterhouse Electric Rocket Propeller 43?  Well…that’s not too shabby either.

…

Obligatory W.I.L.D. Section: A look at the names of the bands we’ll be seeing in concert this Spring.

Reel Big Fish: Big ups for the sweet double entendre.  I also like how they rock the trombone like its middle school band recitation all over again.  It’s a shame there aren’t too many other nautical-themed bands on the block.

OK Go: OK Thanks Bye.

Cut Chemist: A Wash U Undergrad personal favorite.  Cut Chemist was selected to come to W.I.L.D. by the overwhelming majority of pre-med students who saw “Chem” and immediately went home and memorized everything about the label, although it only beat out Cut Biologist by a 53-45 ratio (two percent voted for Batman).

…

Interviewing Anthony, a drummer with a creative mind in a band called Plx.:

  1. So you’re in a band.  How did the world come to this?  We were four best friends with similar taste in music.  One day we got this time machine and visited Abe Lincoln and Socrates to help us write a history project.  Then we learned how to play music.  So everything really clicked.
  2. What the hell is a Plx.?  It’s not a Plx.  It is Plx.  Plx. is basically a form of internet slang, short for “please & thank you.”  We wanted something that was kind of catchy and would kind of confuse people, and it would also be kind of geeky.  Plx. is the best of all worlds.
  3. How do you plan to use your brand name in promoting Plixel Dystronotomia Syndrome across America? I would think of having a Banana-grabbing character, probably named Mr. Plx (i’d retain animation rights).  First he’d go around telling the world about our band and then about the bowel moving side effects caused by our music.  He’s really more about raising awareness than finding a cure.
  4. Who inspired you the most in naming your band:  Mike Piazza, Robocop, John Wilkes Boothe, or Bambi?  I’d have to go ahead and say that it wasn’t so much Bambi as it was Thumper…Thumper was just so cute…there was no other word besides “Plx” that could describe how happy I was when I first laid eyes on him.  Robocop was a close second.
  5. How far would you say your marginal (at best) talent would have taken you without such an incredible band name?  We maybe could have made it onto Dan’s myspace article, and gotten like a 1.6/11.
  6. And with the name, where are you now?  Hovering at an 8.99 (repeating of course) percent.
  7. What does your band name say about the kind of music you play?  Absolutely nothing.  The music’s hopefully not as idiotic as the name is. We use the name’s weirdness to play up the strength of our music.
  8. What’s your favorite part about Plx?  The fact that Seth Jenkins (Guitarist) stole the word from Koreans on Diabolo 2.  Either that or the letter P.
  9. What are some good Band Name resources readily accessible for the budding band population reading the article?  Periodic Table of the Elements.  Umm…the twenty amino acids…and Professor Josh Maurer. Who wouldn’t want to listen to “Dooooh, Glycine and Berylium? [Anthony obviously forgets he’s not actually in chemistry class right now]
  10. Other than your own, what’s your favorite Band Name and why?  Close call between Neutral Milk Hotel and Del The Funkee Homosapien because they sound freaking awesome.
  11. Least Favorite?  The Beatles, because their music is terrible.
  12. Which would you say has done the most to protect civil liberties and promote the Freedom and Happiness of America movement? OK Go.  They helped Youtube gain popularity, and Youtube is the future of freedom.  Nay, the future of mankind as we know it.

…

That’s about it.  If you don’t have any idea about band names at this point, I guess you’re probably not fit enough to start a band anyway.  Enjoy W.I.L.D., enjoy summer, and enjoy the rest of the magazine (but read my article again).  See you all again in the fall.

How I’d Fix the Hair Salon

By JoshPetersel in Josh for Business 0 Comment

I got a haircut on Sunday.  It was terribly overdue.  But in doing so, I came up with a few ideas on how to make the haircutting experience better.

Truth be told, I love getting my hair cut (straight-razor shaves are great, too!).  Probably because I wait so long in-between trims that I’ll end up shedding half a pound of hair before walking out the door.  But there’s one thing I don’t like – that, upon departure, I’ll be covered in tiny bits of cut hair.  Worse still, the stylist just put gel in to set me up for the day.

In practice, you can easily (and quite obviously) remedy this by going home and showering.  But why?  If you go to a hair salon that’s posh enough to wash and shampoo your hair before the cut, why not send you back for another round afterward so that I’m not covered in prickly hairs?

A hair salon is a two-service business.  On the one hand, it’s a physical service: I walk in, pay you, and walk out with less hair.  On the other, it’s an emotional service: I walk in, pay you, and walk out feeling like a million bucks.  Does a $60 haircut cut four times as much hair as a $15 haircut?  No.  Does it cut four times as precisely?  Maybe.  Do I walk out of the salon feeling four times as confident and handsome?  Better hope so.

There’s a reason why most elite hair salons will wash you hair before sending you to the stylist: damp hair is easier to cut.  It makes the physical service better. But it makes the emotional service better, too – clients are treated like royalty, and receive a nice head massage.  That’s something entirely separate from the actual haircut.

Now consider if the salon added a second wash, just before being sent on your way.  1) Does this add to the physical product?  Maybe.  Perhaps after clearing out some clumps of hair, the stylist can be more positive that everything is trimmed evenly.  But it also takes more time to finish the service, and clients’ time may be even more valuable than their dollars.  2) Does this add to the emotional product?  I’d say yes.  If the stylist makes the purpose of the second wash very clear (wash away all the stray hair bits), I’d happily oblige.  I might even become more brand loyal, after thinking back to other haircut experiences in a less positive light.

///

The second change is something that’s already being employed, and I just feel more people and salons should know about or use themselves.  The haircut place I like to go is called A Cut Above the Rest, on Big Bend and Forest Park.  While I suppose the physical haircut is nothing special, the price is right ($15) and they offer something I’ve never seen anywhere else:  After every cut, the barber promises that if I decide I’d like something changed over the next few days, that I should just come right back in and he’ll fix it free of charge.

Of course, I bet you’d be hard-pressed to find a hair salon anywhere that wouldn’t practice this policy were the situation to arise, but that’s hardly the point.  The point is that they’ve managed to attach a warranty and return policy to an intangible product.  And it costs them nothing! Practically speaking, how likely are you to mull your haircut for four days, and decide it needs adjusting?  But how much happier am I going to feel about my cut knowing that I can get it fixed anytime?  Loads.  Psychologically speaking, even, the mere fact that I’ve decided not to go back for a fix will subconsciously align me more positively with the original cut.  And how often am I going to go back knowing that every time I buy I’ve got a return policy.  Once every three months or so (re: every time, if you’re not on a Josh haircut schedule).

///

All this differentiation, product enhancement, and benefits.  And I haven’t even said a word about scissors.  Goes to show you how many ways you can make your product unique, valuable, and awesome if you think a little outside the box.

This is probably the most feminine thing I’ve ever written.  To balance, Matt and I have been making our own home-cooked beef jerky over the past few days.  That’s probably the most manly thing I’ve ever concocted.  Fair?

My 10 Favorite TV Episodes [Things I Like]

By JoshPetersel in Things Josh Likes 1 Comment

Clarification note:  These aren’t my ten favorite TV shows (although that’s what these episodes generally drawn from), but my ten favorite specific episodes.  You already know my ten favorite movies to watch on TV, so I thought this would be a nice compliment.  It follows the same guideline – the ten TV episodes that I’d cancel or delay plans to leave the house in order to watch.  Plus, Hulu-permitting, you’re looking at 200-something minutes of quality, quality entertainment.  Enjoy!

10. Fresh Prince Episode 608: Viva Lost Wages

Only the second-most memorable dance in the show.

Only the second-most memorable dance in the show.

Most any Fresh Prince episode would pass here.  The episode theme is always the same:  Will’s a trouble-maker, one of his straight-shooter and less-streetwise cousins goes a step too far, and Will ends up having to bail them out of trouble.  Uncle Phil easily has to be the most forgiving person on the planet.

This episode actually doesn’t feature the Carlton Dance, which you’d think would be a shoe-in to be featured on the list, but I’m not really bothered by that.  The Carlton Dance is funny and all, but it’s never really an element that advances the plot.  And I feel like the boys’ dance to Apache (“jump on it!”) is just as frequently reenacted at parties and such, anyway.

9. Malcolm in the Middle Episode 220: Bowling

Don't jinx it!

Don’t jinx it!

Really more like two episodes for one.  “Bowling” juxtaposes the opposite parenting styles of Hal and Lois, with fantastic attention to detail on the two characters.  Perhaps the show highlights how I see myself as much more of a Hal parent than a Lois, but more likely, it clarifies for certain that I was a Malcolm kid.  One of my most disdainful memories as a kid was my dad giving me bowling tips after every frame when we’d hit the lanes, and how adversely it would affect my performance and my mood.  Though his efforts it never directly resulted in any desperate blonde girls showing up.

I can’t believe more people don’t watch this show.  I guess it’s unpopular because of how unrealistic it is.

8. South Park Episode 501: Scott Tenorman Must Die

The chili cookoff to end all chili cookoffs

The chili cookoff to end all chili cookoffs.

South Park gets away with so much crap.  I don’t know if it’s because it’s a cartoon, because creators Trey and Matt have managed to build up such an expectation of the unbelievably horrid, or what.  I’ll never understand how they got away with saying “shit” 162 times in one episode that aired during prime-time television.  But this episode, “Scott Tenorman Must Die,” is the absolute worst.  Cartman does something so vile, inhuman, incomprehensible, and evil, that……it’s funny.  I’d stay away from chili for a few weeks after watching this.

7. South Park Episode 802: Awesom-O

It's amazing what blinking lights can do for your credibility as a robot.

It’s amazing what blinking lights can do for your credibility as a robot.

Did you ever want to dress up as a robot to play a prank on your friend?  It’s probably not that uncommon among elementary-schoolers.  Eric did.  Then, so as to not get caught in a pile of lies, he got stuck wearing his Awesom-O costume around for the entire episode.  He and Butters are incredible together.

6.  Arrested Devel– oh, who am I kidding?  Nobody ever watched this show on TV.  (The movie is coming soon, though.)

5. Futurama Episode 401: Roswell That Ends Well

"Density has brought me to you."

“Density has brought me to you.”

It’s like the plot of Back to the Future, except Marty (or Fry, in this case) does everything wrong that he possibly can do wrong.  The gang travels back from the year 3000 to visit Roswell, New Mexico, where Fry’s grandpa is stationed.  Fry, like Marty, has one job: do not interfere with history.  So, of course, he sends his grandpa off into an abandoned mine field, which the government then usues to test a nuclear weapon.  Then, he has sex with his grandma.  Which leads to perhaps my favorite line in TV history (from the incomparably grumpy Professor Farnsworth):

“Ooh, a lesson in not changing history, from mister ‘I’m my own grandpa.’ Screw history, let’s get the hell out of here!”

My sentiments exactly on high school social studies.  Although I’m less than positive on my teachers’ lineages, so don’t hold me to that.

4. Kenan and Kel Episode 102: The Tainting of the Screw

Who doesn't love orange soda?

Who doesn’t love orange soda?

Having re-watched a number of Kenan and Kel episodes recently, I have to say – this was pretty bad television.  Which I guess you could say about most Nickelodeon sitcom shows of the 90’s.  The important thing is, I watched Kenan and Kel all the time as a kid.  And you’d be hard-pressed to convince me to change the channel if an episode ever somehow resurfaced.

I suppose while we’re here, I should voice a critically important question – What happened to Kel?? Kenan’s been in a few movies, has a feature role in SNL, and even came and performed some standup at Wash U my freshman year.  Kel…has a YouTube account.  I wish he’d come back more into the limelight.  Maybe I can help him out with some magazine exposure.

3. Futurama Episode 502: Jurassic Bark

Futurama Seymour

One fine example of man’s best friend.

The only sad episode on the list.  Seymour  is the kind of dog I’d kill for – minus, maybe, the dumpster feeding and such.  Utterly devoted to Fry, always happy to see him, and always waiting at the door for him to get out of work.  Say Fry didn’t slip in the cryogenic lab and freeze himself for 1000 years – we wouldn’t have the show, of course, but knowing Seymour would have his buddy back would be absolutely worth it.  But then Seymour wouldn’t exist, and wouldn’t have a buddy to have back.  Paradoxes are confusing.  But fun.  And Futurama‘s full of ’em.

2. South Park Episode 801: Good Times With Weapons

Jimmy's weapons are...his crutches?

Jimmy’s weapons are…his crutches?

This episode contains my favorite moment on television.  It’s something so ludicrous and unbelievable that I was relegated to a state of uproarious laughter for several minutes.  And then the absurdity just builds, and builds, and builds.  Though I guess that’s pretty much the canned description of most every South Park episode.  And this all doesn’t even have to do with love for the Power Rangers, or my general amusement from late-night cartoons on Adult Swim.  I don’t want to say what happens and spoil the surprise in this one, but poor Butters…

1. Malcolm in the Middle Episode 113: Rollerskates

Taking Malcolm to Funkytown

Taking Malcolm to Funkytown.

It’s got everything: hockey, rollerskating, Hal being a goofball, and the best example I’ve seen of creatively and constructively teaching a lesson to your son (with condolences to J Walter Weatherman).  Forever changed my feelings on Lipps Inc’s “Funkytown,” in a good, gooooood way.  And it forever cemented Malcolm as my favorite show on television (even though, you know, that’s not what this list was about).

Closing Remarks on Pitchfork Music Festival

By JoshPetersel in Josh does Music, Josh on Josh 0 Comment

The band “Fucked Up” lived up to its moniker.  The frontman spent half of the show shirtless and ripping stray beach balls open with his teeth.  His parents must be overjoyed.

///

The second-best conversation starter of all-time: “Your Pikachu backpack looks really sad”

///

Partying on the roof of a 3-story building is fun.  Until someone starts passing around a thing of nipple cream.  Then, it’s weird.

///

Hi Sam, Keith, and Mesh!  Nice to see you again.  Still looking forward to visits with Dave, Rachel, Jorge, the Grays, and if possible, Carlos Zambrano.  But we’ll see how loose my schedule is.

///

The Flaming Lips concert was beautiful, but frighteningly short.  They could have played for five hours.  Their entrance to the stage was memorable.

///

5-hour drives are nothing.  I’m going to drive around and see the entire country.  One weekend at a time.

///

Most importantly, I became a world-record holder.  At the festival, there was a promotion stand set up, and a long list of world records to break.  The festival was full of hipsters and music snobs, so of course, who’s going to challenge me in a contest for “fastest time to shave your moustache?”  I’m a champion.  And I’ve got a patch, certificate, and free pair of sneakers to prove it.

Bye now!

Sincerely,
Josh
World-record holder, facial hair subdivision.

The All-Star Game Shuffle

By JoshPetersel in Josh plays Sports 0 Comment

In honor of the All-Star Game today, a re-post of an awesome idea I came up with for last summer’s summer classic while working on my old website.

I’m going to spend the entire day lounging around at Pi. President Obama will be throwing out the first pitch of the game, and rumor has it, Pi is his favorite pizza place in St. Louis (the country?).  Celebrity sighting?  Let’s hope for the best.

///

[Originally posted July 2008, updated with some grammar and shoe shine]

Let’s have some fun with the All-Star Game.

No matter how many times Bud Selig wants to give the AL home-field advantage in the World Series, the All-Star Game (like the rest of the weekend) should be first and foremost about having fun and giving back to the fans. One of my most striking All-Star Game memories was a Larry Walker at-bat in the late ’90s, against an ornery Randy Johnson. Johnson accidentally lets a fastball rip nearly a foot over Walker’s head (and I stress accidentally, because RJ probably wanted to place the ball a lot closer). Walker then calls timeout, and for the first time in his career, walks to the other side of the plate and bats righty. His helmet doesn’t even have the ear protection on that side, so he flips it and wears it backwards. It was as bizarre as it was awesome.

The All-Star Game is a rare opportunity for all of the best talent in baseball to be together on the field at the same time (besides, of course, any time the Yankees, Mets, and Red Sox play each other). The team managers obviously realize this, and attempt to capitalize by substituting players every three innings or so. But they’re doing it all wrong. Here’s how they could be doing it better:

First, the All-Star Game starters should NOT start the game, they should end it. I think we’re stuck with the asinine player substitution system, which leads to Chase Utley on the bench, cheering on Dan Uggla in extra innings.  Somehow, we managed to make it through 70-plus ASGs that had a few players dress but sit on the bench. How did we get by as a society then?  Josh Hamilton barely got the chance this year to dazzle us with another one of his epic bomb home runs we saw in the derby. So at the very least, let’s get into the habit of bringing the starters in for the 7th inning stretch, not the last backups. We know that that’s when the real game starts, so we should get to see the real rosters play it. I think Bill Simmons wrote about this at some point.

But assuming that this concept is too difficult for our lovely Commissioner to handle (or, perhaps, he’s too busy drawing himself gigantic paychecks), let’s have some more fun with the substitutions. I think one clever manager should substitute his entire roster at once. While they’re in the field (the pitcher, too). And definitely in the middle of an at-bat, preferrably in a clutch situation. Imagine the look of fear (or is that confusion?) on Evan Longoria’s face when, two strikes into an at-bat with the bases loaded, the entire National League defense trots off the field and is substituted. Now imagine the look of joy on every fan watching the antics on TV. It’s a one- or two-time use stunt, topps, but the level of hilarity in a baseball game is unprecedented. And because of the smaller roster sizes during the regular season, there’s literally no other opportunity during the season to perform a Nonuple Switch (TM). Amazingly, “nonuple” is actually a word.

Another fun opportunity rarely afforded to us fans with skewed senses of humor is the chance to see players play out of position, with little repercussion. I remember back in 2002; the American League roster had a whopping five shortstops: the three-headed monster of A-Rod, Jeter, and Nomar topping the list, with Vizquel and Tejada rounding out the list. How many people watching the game wouldn’t have gladly traded their own glove to see some kind of a Nomar-Jeter-A-Rod double play? I mean, granted, us Yankee fans almost get to see that now. But it’s not the same.  What about an All-Short Stop infield? I bet you could convince Vizquel to don a catcher’s mask for half an inning.

But you can go even further. I wonder, what would David Ortiz look like at Second Base for an inning? (I’d rather see Ken Harvey play there…but I’d be utterly shocked if any of you would recognize a Ken Harvey / Second Base reference.) I bet you Papi wouldn’t mind, if that wrist of his ever got healthy. Even better, let’s get some of those position players onto the pitchers mound. I know I’m not the only one who fondly remembers the day Mark Grace took the mound for the Arizona Diamondbacks and executed a perfect Mike Fetters windup. Or watching Wade Boggs throw a pretty good knuckleball. YouTube, sadly, seems a bit more forgetful [note – found the Boggs video!].

But why not make this a highlight on center stage? What do you think David Wright’s windup would look like? We actually, sadly, came oh-so-terribly close to a J.D. Drew vs. David Wright pitching matchup in this year’s game, before Brad Lidge ruined it for everyone. Can you imagine J.D. Drew taking the mound in the 16th inning in a deadlocked game? And then the AL would have to play catchup the next inning, but they’d get to feast on Wright’s 70- or 80- something mph fastball? That’s a story you can tell your grandkids about.

Maybe those ‘85 Bears were on to something. It’s time for the All-Star Game Shuffle.

4th of July Notes

By JoshPetersel in Josh on Josh 0 Comment

I went to Chad’s lakehouse on Lake of the Ozarks for the weekend.  It was very tranquil, and I learned how to jet ski.  I don’t think you’d normally put “tranquil” and “jetski” in the same sentence, but I suppose that’s the kind of life I lead.

The drive to and from the lakehouse was nice.  I really am fond of the road.  But seeing so many fireworks go off (on Friday the 3rd and Sunday the 5th) was confusing – why do people have such a difficult time with the date on this weekend?

///

Quote of the Weekend:

Marius:  If you could pick any animal…what would you choose to be?
Josh:  Hmm…falcon.
Marius:  Okay, now given that you’re this animal, what one super power would you have?
Josh:  Oh, easy.  Punching.

///

I beat Super Mario World in around 20 minutes while we were out on the lake and without cable.  It’s certainly not up to the internet’s standards, but I’m proud of it.  Especially since it was my first time in years playing it on an actual SNES (as opposed to the Gameboy and Wii ports).  I wish I knew how the Trauschs kept theirs in such fine condition.

///

I guess I’ve got a big day at work tomorrow and shouldn’t be dawdling around on the internet for so long.

Raisin Bran

By JoshPetersel in Josh on Josh 0 Comment

Kind of hard to keep updates when I’m working 10am-9pm shifts.  But I’m just making excuses for myself.

///

I made an important purchase decision at the supermarket last week:  breakfast.  I knew that joining the workforce would mean I was no longer allowed the fluffy 1-2 hour window between waking up and leaving the house for class.  And I’d need stuff to eat.

It’s a miracle that so many Americans manage this far.  How am I supposed to pick out one food that would be my morning meal for the next 2+ weeks?  The driving force to push me groggily out of bed?  Talk about a decision!

As per the name of this post, I ultimately settled on Raisin Bran.  It was close – as some (well, maybe two) know, I’ve got a special affinity for Honey & Nut Tasteeos, the supermarket’s knockoff alternative to Honey Nut Cheerios (like you hadn’t figured that out).  It’s tasty, and I’d be able to buy it in megabulk.  But I was afraid I’d get bored.  There was nothing to mix it up.

Here’s why Raisin Bran is great: raisins. Big surprise, huh?  Raisins change everything.  Every spoonful becomes a game – you’ve got to balance the propotion of raisins to flakes.   Some bonus spoonfuls have an extra raisin.  Some bites without raisins you just have to grind through to get through the bowl.  See…variety!

…I can’t be the only one who thinks about asinine crap like this, right?

Moral Hazard and the Draft

By JoshPetersel in Josh for Business 0 Comment

The concept of Moral Hazard was drilled into my head in a couple of business classes.  In essence:  given an incentive to lose, you’re more likely to engage in losing behavior.  Say, for example, your insurance company will cover your expenses if you break a bone.  Who’s more likely to try a crazy stunt on a motorcycle [or something way cuter] – you, or your uninsured counterpart?

I liked this quote from Malcolm Gladwell (author of Blink, Outliers, and The Tipping Point) in his recent conversation with Bill Simmons (author of awesome sports stuff).

I think, for example, that the idea of ranking draft picks in reverse order of finish — as much as it sounds “fair” — does untold damage to the game. You simply cannot have a system that rewards anyone, ever, for losing. Economists worry about this all the time, when they talk about “moral hazard.” …

…No economist in his right mind would ever endorse the football and basketball drafts the way they are structured now. They are a moral hazard in spades. If you give me a lottery pick for being an atrocious GM, where’s my incentive not to be an atrocious GM?

I love applying scholastic concepts to real-world situations.  Good luck trying that with a communications degree or something.

Point is this – the draft lottery has a very real, and very adverse effect on all sports employing the system.  There’s a very real fear that the Washington Nationals with two of the best baseball prospects we’ve seen in decades, in Stephen Strasburg and Bryce Harper.  Who’s to say that the Islanders didn’t let goalie Rick DiPietro sit out a few extra weeks months to ensure a better chance at drafting John Tavares?  Lose games, win a prize.

How do you eliminate moral hazard?  It’s impossible to axe completely.  You want parity in the league, so you give bad teams a chance to catch up by giving them the best prospects.  Then, teams tank and are rewarded.  You can’t give middle-of-the-road teams an equal shot, because fringe teams with low championship hopes might just lose enough to pass whatever metric you place in front of them.  You can’t give everyone an equal shot for the risk of giving the Lakers or Penguins unrivaled access to lock down a premium contributor for the next decade.

I wonder, what if we eliminated the draft? You still have salary caps to control parity in the leagues (the MLB is an exception, but still – the baseball draft has enough stupid holes in it that it doesn’t matter.  The Yankees can’t sign 50 rounds worth of players).  The best upcoming stars go to the teams that are run well and have the most money available.  John Tavares doesn’t necessarily go to the Penguins because they’ve got a ton of their cap space locked away to pay for Malkin and Crosby.  The Islanders can pay him more.  Rotten or extraneous franchises with stupid management or unprofitable locations like the LA Clippers, Florida Marlins, and Phoenix Coyotes either move, fire the guy in charge, or die, because they aren’t consistently rewarded with an influx of incredible talent.

You get a new dynamic in the league:  the Penguins stand pat because their team is already loaded with talent.  Maybe the Islanders want to make a run and snag the five best prospects on the board (if they can – remember, there’s a salary cap).  You get upstart young teams with lots of potential, and give fans a lot to root for.  And what’s most important, nobody has an excuse for losing games.

///

If you can’t tell, I’ve been watching a lot of sports (with ESPN.com open on my laptop) during my summer break.

Basketball Sucks.

By JoshPetersel in Best Of / Top 11 31 Comments

Boy it’s been a fast month.  So much nothing to do that I don’t know what to (not) do with myself.

So I picked up more TV.  I’ve been sifting through the straggling few episodes of South Park that I hadn’t seen yet, I picked up a trial membership to Netflix, and I’ve had the pleasure of following the NHL playoffs to a far greater extent – I hear the Stanley Cup this year has its highest TV ratings since about 2002, and is quickly closing in on Pre-Season Women’s Softball as the second-least thing watched on television.

But on the other side of the coin, I’ve been plodding along with the NBA playoffs, too.  And this sport I’ll never understand.  I could easily argue that the entire game is a wash besides the last two minutes – which will inevitably last 10 or 15 times that long (the final two minutes of this game lasts 9 minutes, without commercial interruption).  But I’d like to take the opportunity to dive a little deeper.

Here’s my three-pronged strategy to win at basketball:

1. Strategically pause the game

There’s two minutes left on the game clock, and your team is down by double digits (and, of course, Reggie Miller isn’t on your roster).  You’re going to need more time than that to catch up.  What’s a coach to do?  Just pause the game, repeatedly.  Each team is allotted 6 (or 7?) timeouts to use over the course of the game (and extras for overtime, too, when you invariably run out).  How frustrating is that for me, the non-die-hard fan?  Imagine playing Madden, or any non-basketball sports video game, and just as you’re about to win, the other guy pauses it six times to tweak and fine-tune his starting lineup.  The hell?! If you’d just use a clock like a normal person, the match would be over and the team that played the better game wins.  60 seconds left in the game should mean just that.

Why should basketball need 6+ timeouts per game?  Football only has three.  Hockey only has one for the whole game.  Soccer doesn’t have timeouts – it has halftime.  Basketball shouldn’t need any timeouts.  Among all the major sports, basketball is the only one where the coach is close enough to the players that he can bark orders while play is going.  Every other sport manages to get along fine without having to incessantly hit the Start button to make substitutions.

And even still, teams routinely run out of timeouts at the end of the game.

What’s more –  for reasons I completely fail to understand (and have no hopes of ever grasping), sometimes when you call a timeout, your team gets to pass the ball inbounds from halfway up the court.  So if the other team sinks what should be a game-winning shot, you’re allowed to set your team up within reasonable range of the basket to make what should be an impossible shot – simply because you’ve called timeout.  There’s no way this rule can be founded in our common understanding of logic.

2. Break the rules on purpose

This is...encouraged?

What’s that?  Pause button broken?  You’ve run out of timeouts, you say?  Not to worry.  You can still slow the clock down further by simply breaking the rules of the game on purpose.  Of course, your standard basketball fan will refer to this as “intentional fouls.”

Purportedly, the fouling system in the NBA was set up to ensure a level playing field and provide players with a fair opportunity to play.  Smack a guy in the arm while he’s shooting, and it’s going to be awful hard for him to make the shot.  So he gets free throws.  Seems to make sense – so let’s make it complicated!

In the NBA rulebook, after your team commits X fouls in a game, the system switches from awarding one free shot and a bonus free shot for making the first one to simply awarding two freebies.  At Y team fouls, the opposing team gets to take free throws whether or not the other guy was shooting at the time of the foul.  The numbers X and Y, I can only presume, are completely arbitrary.

Now, consider Kobe Bryant.  He’s got the best free throw percentage on the Lakers, at 85.8% this season.  Simple math shows that whenever he’s sent to the line, he’ll return 1.71 points (2 * .858).  A little luck from Orlando’s best 3PT shooter, Jameer Nelson (@45%), and the Magic are in the game.

It’s universally understood by coaches, players, and fans, that as the clock winds down at the end of the game, players are supposed to hack and grab and foul eachother.  If that’s the case, then there’s clearly a problem with the penalization system currently employed.  Slash a guy in hockey and you sit in the penalty box for 2 minutes.  Hit a guy hard enough in soccer, and you get a man disadvantage for the rest of the game.  But foul a guy in basketball, and improve your chances at winning the game?  Preposterous.

And you get six chances!  Six fouls before the refs throw you out of the game.  Six penalties in any other sport would merit a fine or a suspension.  In basketball, it’s just the nature of the game.

3. Let your best player take free shots

Kobe!

Let’s say, instead, that you’re the winning team.  What’s the best way to defend against the inane strategy implemented by the other team?  Just give the ball to Kobe (or whoever your best player is otherwise), sit back, and watch him make free shots.  No defense, no playmaking, no strategies.  Often enough, you’ll win the game.  Ironically enough, the entire premise of Baseketball was that the main characters were only good at making open shots and didn’t want to move around too much.  Turns out, apparently, they would have been just fine in the NBA.

///

Moral of the story:  Basketball sucks.  I didn’t even go into the fact that it’s silly how inches in height are just as important an asset as physical strength or athletic ability.  All I can say for sure is that the sport reached its pinnacle in 1996, and has been on a downwards spiral ever since.