[Note: This column appeared in Eleven Issue 1.4, which was released some time around April 2007.]

So, now you’ve got the hair.  And you’ve got the hip styles.  But before you get out there and buy some talent, you’re going to need an identity.

It matters not who you are, why you’re here, or where you’re from.  If you’re reading this article, you’ve probably got a name.  It could be something dainty, like Petunia, or something utterly awesome, like Frederico the Magnificent.  Names can be applied to all kinds of things, from people to puppies to pet rocks. In short:  they’re important.

We here at Eleven know how valuable good names are.  We’ve spent countless hours diving into the depths of nameology.  I thought I’d lend some of my expertise to you all in readerville in hopes of avoiding impending naming disasters.

I don’t think I really need to define for you what “name” means.  Probably no more than I needed to type up this long-winded intro segment.  If you so desire, feel free to ignore those few paragraphs you just read, and double your reading efforts on the forthcoming meaty stuff.  Well here we go, here we go, here we go again.

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Your Band Name Sucks

Ever wonder why nobody pays attention to your crappy music?  I’d wager that (as per the title of this section) it’s probably because people can’t tell your band name from something crappy that they wouldn’t want to pay attention to.  Like…celery.  Who’d want to take time out of their day and devote it to celery?  Maybe a celery farmer.  For the rest of you folk, here are some simple things you can do at home to give your band name that extra kick in the pants that you’re looking for.

Add a random spattering of accents or punctuation: Easy example–would you rather listen to…err…pretend you put up with the garbage from (a) Panic at the Disco, (b) Panic at the Disco!, or (c) Panic! At the Disco?  Surely, you must be intrigued by (c)’s blatant misuse of basic grammar.  And as such, it’s no surprise to find that upon a basic search of the iTunes music store, group (c) is the only one that even shows up.  Still, one must wonder about whatever happened to P!anic! At the??? D!sco!.  I guess the jury’s still out on that one.

Come up with something that’s easy to nickname: Your average deadbolt music fan will absolutely love being able to use an endearing nickname for your band.  For example, everyone loves the ‘Stones more than they love The Rolling Stones, just like you’d rather get a Half & Half at BD than a half order of chicken fingers with a half order of fries at Bears’ Den.  Or think about how much less fun you’d have in Psych 100 if you read about regular Hans instead of Clever Hans.  It’s just human nature, plain and simple.  Giving nicknames to stuff is the best thing since sliced bread.

Something to keep in mind:  You can’t simply establish your band name as the nickname.  Imagine listening to the Stones without prior knowledge that they’re rolling.  Or ponder if you’d really want to eat at a place that simply said “BD” on the front door.  It’s just not the same.  I’d probably be too weird-ed out to go in.

One more thing: like most everything holy and delightful in this world, not every nickname is a good one.  Sometimes you get a rotten apple.  For example, I strongly considered writing this section about the Red Hot Chili Peppers, but got too worried that some of you might get their nickname (RHCP) confused with that awesome gun from Goldeneye (please, please tell me that reference didn’t fall on deaf ears.  It’s so money).  Or, think back to the huge fuss put up by those animal lovers at the World Wildlife Foundation when they stole the WWF from the World Wrestling Federation.  Those jerks.

Definitely do NOT include a member’s name in the band title: How freaking pompous and full of yourself do you have to be to name your band Dave Matthews Band, or Ben Folds Five?  Nobody wants to put up with that garbage.  Besides, fans will have a hard time proving how ULTIMATE they are because they can name the whole band when the better part of it appears on the back of the album.  Stop the self-promoting horse crap.  Unless you’re somebody famous…like if Jerry Seinfeld started a band or something.  Jerry! Seinfeld and the Sunday!! Peaches? would be such a hit.

It’s okay (even beneficial) to make your band a play on the members’ names: Some of today’s and yesteryear’s biggest bands modeled their monikers in this fashion.  Take Eminem for example, the greatest rapper of all time (besides Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan and Dylan).  Where would he be as Marshal Mathers?  Probably at the drive thru window hanging out with Kevin Federline.  And Fred Durst.

I’m sure we all also remember busting out the funk to the BeeGees back in the day.  I don’t think the plain old Brothers Gibb would even win a wrestling match against the Brothers Grimm, who’ve probably been dead for over a hundred years.  And don’t for one second think that simply tacking an arbitrary nickname onto your regular name counts.  I’m talking to you, John Cougar Mellencamp.  Everything you’ve done since you introduced the Cougar has been a crime against humanity.

You can’t go wrong with a band name that’s impossibly easy: Queen.  Styx.  The Who.  KISS.  Beck.  AC/DC.  Am I wrong?  Of course not.  Ben Franklin invented the saying “Keep it simple, stupid” for a reason.

If you do decide to go with something else, however, you’d better make sure it’s perplexing enough to turn heads.  For inspiration, consider bands like Neutral Milk Hotel, Suburban Kids with Biblical Names, Saturday Looks Good to Me, or I’m From Barcelona (they’re actually from Sweden).  If it’s verifiably WTF-able, it’s probably a winner.

Commands are awesome: I’m surprised this isn’t more popular.  Anything that’d fit in on Moses’ stone tablets has got to be money.  Just think, “Thou shall not kill.  Thou shall not steal.  Thou shall Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!”  Unwholesomely good.  Thou shall agree.

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Creating Your Band Name

Hit a mental block?  That’s probably why you’re doing music for a living in the first place.  But if you can’t seem to think up a good name, maybe this little guide can help—Mad Libs style.

Style 1: Short but sweet.

Noun:_________

Preposition:_________

Noun:­­­­___________

Example: Typhoons between Supermarkets

Style 2: The Mouthful

Adjective:__________

Noun:____________

Action Verb:__________

Conjunction:_________

Adverb:__________

Verb (ending in –ing):___________

Noun:____________

Example:  Purple Monkey Dance by Fluorescently Poking Pajamas

Style 3: The Compound Sentence

Subject:­­­­­­­­­­­­___________

Verb:____________

Predicate Adjective:______________

Predicate Nomnative:_____________

Direct Object:_____________

Indirect Object:_______________

Example:  Yeah…Never really paid attention in English…I’m not sure what half of those mean.

Style 4: The One Word Wonder

Random word from the Dictionary:_________

Example: Fracas.

Style 5: The Ultimate

Something Gross:_______

Adjective:__________

Something Fast:___________

Segment of that Fast Thing:___________

Lucky Number:____________

Example:  Naturally, Diarrhea Express Train Cart #6.  What, you were expecting maybe Slaughterhouse Electric Rocket Propeller 43?  Well…that’s not too shabby either.

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Obligatory W.I.L.D. Section: A look at the names of the bands we’ll be seeing in concert this Spring.

Reel Big Fish: Big ups for the sweet double entendre.  I also like how they rock the trombone like its middle school band recitation all over again.  It’s a shame there aren’t too many other nautical-themed bands on the block.

OK Go: OK Thanks Bye.

Cut Chemist: A Wash U Undergrad personal favorite.  Cut Chemist was selected to come to W.I.L.D. by the overwhelming majority of pre-med students who saw “Chem” and immediately went home and memorized everything about the label, although it only beat out Cut Biologist by a 53-45 ratio (two percent voted for Batman).

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Interviewing Anthony, a drummer with a creative mind in a band called Plx.:

1. So you’re in a band.  How did the world come to this?  We were four best friends with similar taste in music.  One day we got this time machine and visited Abe Lincoln and Socrates to help us write a history project.  Then we learned how to play music.  So everything really clicked.
2. What the hell is a Plx.?  It’s not a Plx.  It is Plx.  Plx. is basically a form of internet slang, short for “please & thank you.”  We wanted something that was kind of catchy and would kind of confuse people, and it would also be kind of geeky.  Plx. is the best of all worlds.
3. How do you plan to use your brand name in promoting Plixel Dystronotomia Syndrome across America? I would think of having a Banana-grabbing character, probably named Mr. Plx (i’d retain animation rights).  First he’d go around telling the world about our band and then about the bowel moving side effects caused by our music.  He’s really more about raising awareness than finding a cure.
4. Who inspired you the most in naming your band:  Mike Piazza, Robocop, John Wilkes Boothe, or Bambi?  I’d have to go ahead and say that it wasn’t so much Bambi as it was Thumper…Thumper was just so cute…there was no other word besides “Plx” that could describe how happy I was when I first laid eyes on him.  Robocop was a close second.
5. How far would you say your marginal (at best) talent would have taken you without such an incredible band name?  We maybe could have made it onto Dan’s myspace article, and gotten like a 1.6/11.
6. And with the name, where are you now?  Hovering at an 8.99 (repeating of course) percent.
7. What does your band name say about the kind of music you play?  Absolutely nothing.  The music’s hopefully not as idiotic as the name is. We use the name’s weirdness to play up the strength of our music.
8. What’s your favorite part about Plx?  The fact that Seth Jenkins (Guitarist) stole the word from Koreans on Diabolo 2.  Either that or the letter P.
9. What are some good Band Name resources readily accessible for the budding band population reading the article?  Periodic Table of the Elements.  Umm…the twenty amino acids…and Professor Josh Maurer. Who wouldn’t want to listen to “Dooooh, Glycine and Berylium? [Anthony obviously forgets he’s not actually in chemistry class right now]
10. Other than your own, what’s your favorite Band Name and why?  Close call between Neutral Milk Hotel and Del The Funkee Homosapien because they sound freaking awesome.
11. Least Favorite?  The Beatles, because their music is terrible.
12. Which would you say has done the most to protect civil liberties and promote the Freedom and Happiness of America movement? OK Go.  They helped Youtube gain popularity, and Youtube is the future of freedom.  Nay, the future of mankind as we know it.

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That’s about it.  If you don’t have any idea about band names at this point, I guess you’re probably not fit enough to start a band anyway.  Enjoy W.I.L.D., enjoy summer, and enjoy the rest of the magazine (but read my article again).  See you all again in the fall.

I thought it’d be an easy cop out of writing an original blog post this week fun to give you guys a sneak preview of my article that will appear in Eleven‘s next issue, which is set to drop this Wednesday, April 1st.  This is only the first half of the article – I’ll post up the second half a few days after the magazine is released.  I’d hate for you to not pick up the next issue on account of already reading the only article written by the only author worth his salt I’ve written.

Some notes:

1. In exchange for copy/pasting most of my written material, I’ll at least do you the service of linking to each song’s YouTube video.  This, technically, should be a regular feature on Eleven’s actual website.  You’ve got as good a guess as I do as to the problem our webmaster seems to be having.  It’s been well over a year, Jacob.
2. If you’re a student at Washington University, or if you’re a random dude reading this and you’re from the St. Louis area, definitely come check out Eleven’s Great Mixtape Exchange, set to go down on distribution day, Wednesday.  Details about it on our Facebook event page.

All right, enough nonsense.

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Top 11 Disney Songs

I was originally planning on writing a Top 11 about poop.  Then I thought about it:  I’ve nearly graduated. In like a month I’m going to be out in the real world, at a real job, and all that.  Maybe I could have gotten away with that Freshman year; by now I ought to be writing about things that are more mature.  On that note, for your reading and listening pleasure, here are my picks for the eleven best Disney songs.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWzNJOfLVJ4]

11. Down to Earth, Wall-E – An incredibly peaceful and relaxing song that was the perfect finishing touch to a sublime movie.  The music in “Wall-E” was a huge part of what made the movie so good, and I don’t just say that because there wasn’t any dialogue for like the first 25 minutes.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LcxYwwIL5zQ]

10. Zip-a-de-doo-dah, Song of the South – Didn’t even realize this was as Disney song until after I did some research.  It’s transcended the Disney stigma, which is rare enough to warrant its mention here.  Also, it’s great to whistle.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMU2NwaaXEA]

9. Theme Song, Duck Tales – I think I’ve been pretty consistent in making sure to include one theme song in each of my Top 11 columns.  I’d hate to disappoint my following.  The “Duck Tales” theme song is the cream of the Disney theme song crop.  Definitely wish my life more hurricanes, racecars, lasers, aeroplanes.  Wouldn’t mind Scrooge’s swimming pool of gold coins, either.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3xafme2PWA]

8. Why Should I Worry, Oliver and Company – If you’re like me (and you are), you won’t immediately recognize this song, or even name of this film.  I’ll fill you in:  A dog wearing sunglasses romps around New York City, makes a big mess of everyone else’s stuff, and basically says, “yep, I don’t give a damn and how do you like that?”  Plus, he wears sausage links for a neck tie.  Plus, he’s voiced by Billy Joel.  What’s not to love?

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejEVczA8PLU&]

7. Hakuna Matata, The Lion King – There’s definitely a running motif here of songs along the Bob Marley “don’t worry, be happy” train of thought.  Interesting thought #1: Google couldn’t confirm this, but I’m pretty sure I learned that warthogs and meerkats (the Timon animal) live in entirely different areas of Africa.  I wonder how Simba would have turned out had he only learned the “matata” half of the phrase.  Interesting thought #2: In retrospect, how uptight were we as a society in the ’90s that Disney couldn’t say “fart” in a G-rated movie?  Our vocabularies might have been soiled (hah!) forever.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOcyYyxqN_g]

6. I Wanna Be Like You, The Jungle Book – Here’s our other running theme: Parallels with Eleven. Readers, you want to be like me. You want to walk like me, talk like me, too. Pardon me while I stroke my ginormous ego.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LD8HDta7Z_4]

5. The whole movie, Fantasia – This whole movie was just one long song with a tripped-out theme, story, and characters. It also doubled as an instructional video for children on what happens when an LSD trip goes sour. This movie traumatized me as a child. Funny to think that about 50 years after it was made, Walt & Company wouldn’t even be able to get away with a little fart joke.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4b-Z0SSyUcw]

4. Supercalifragalisticexpialidocious, Mary Poppins – I make up a lot of words. You better believe I’m jealous of how Supercalifragilisticexpailidocious has vaulted a fake word into the mainstream. And I’m esophagating [like salivating, but more in your throat] about being mean to my copy editors. As of this draft submission, I’ve intentionally spelled Supercalifragilisticexpiallidocious differently and incorrectly in all three uses. Thanks, Mary Poppins, and have fun, guys!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HwSKkKrUzUk]

3. Circle of Life, The Lion King – A fantastic song that really sets the tone for what I’d consider the masterpiece of all Disney movies. The song (and the movie, for that matter) is even better live on Broadway. But I think the best part about Circle of Life is that everyone who hears it has their own lyrical interpretation of Rafiki’s monologue in the opening seven seconds.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dB8UjOUHP04]

2. A Whole New World, Aladdin – Think of the magazine as your magic carpet, and the Eleven staff as your handsome and mysterious guide to a whole new world of music. Man, that sentence was about as cheesy as I could muster. I just did one of those half throw-up-in-your-mouth things. I hope you feel uncomfortable having read it. Just consider that at least you don’t have to listen to a topless and flamboyant Robin Williams running his mouth while you’re reading the mag.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3sjAb-qYflE&feature=related]

1. Eye to Eye, A Goofy Movie – As per the movie: a down-on-his-luck high school outcast rocks out on stage in concert with his favorite artist, Powerline (think: a Disney version of Michael Jackson, but with more yellow tights and less artificial skin). Also, in doing so, he wins the heart of the really cute redhead, Roxanne. Yeah, Roxanne. (Why aren’t there more girls named Roxanne??) This is literally every hipster’s dream; Disney just somehow managed to visualize and animate it.