[Note: This column appeared in Eleven Issue 1.3, releasing some time around February 2007.]

Hair is all around us. It’s on your head, your legs, and all the nooks and crannies in between. It can help keep you warm. It has homophones related to both royalty and furry wildlife. We use it in words such as chair and hairnet, and use it to describe some sticky situations. Your mom even had some! But here’s a little known fact about hair: You can use it to transform your band from a bunch of nameless wanna-bees into a posse of nameful superstars.

Introduction

What is hair? Dictionary.com calls it “any of the numerous fine, usually cylindrical, keratinous filaments growing from the skin of humans and animals; a pilus,” whatever that means. I think some teacher I had in grade school once told me that hair is made up of all dead cells from your body, or something. Unless he was talking about finger nails? No matter. What’s important to know is that hair is often more than simply that disgusting growth coming out of you that I just described. It can be a form of expression. A work of art. Freedom!

My goal this time is to explore different types of hair through the ages, and see if there’s any correlation between hair and success. We’ll look at some different style options, bands that made hair popular (or unpopular), and then see if we can spruce up your look by finding a fashion that’s just right for you.

What’s your Flavor?

You’ve got a lot of choices to pick from. The following are some of the more popular items on the lunch menu.

The Afro: Probably the most practical hairstyle available at bargain prices. Once you’ve got it at critical mass, the afro will definitely help you stand out in a crowd, and should also give you some Old School creds. It also makes for a great storage device; a fully grown afro could conceivably store items ranging from guitar picks, pens, and cigarettes up to a microphone, drumsticks, and some smaller groupies. The afro can also double as a convenient extra pillow. Best of all, you’ll save plenty of dough on rarely having to see a stylist to keep your mane in shape. The afro’s different uses make it a great first step towards improving your band’s rep. Unfortunately for most, it’s exclusive to either the Black or Jewish populations. Jackson 5 probably did it best.

The Rasta: Very hip, but very restricted to a specific type of band and music. Lil’ Jon has been a chief player in the dreads’ crossover to rap and hip-hop, but it’s an uphill battle. I guess the locks kind of bring to mind the leaves of a plant, which would explain why the style is so rooted (I love a good pun) to the “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” kind of slow jam. Also note that the Rasta wig is a classic prop at costume parties, a real testament to its popularity. Nonetheless, be careful wearing the real deal if you’re not Bob Marley or if you’re anywhere that’s not Jamaica.

The Backwards Hat: Here’s a recipe for success: Let’s try and make your lead singer look a whole lot more like Fred Durst. I guess being the only person to ever consider a red Yankees hat a viable fashion choice could kind of get your name out there, but still, it would be in that Kevin Federline kind of way. Don’t be that guy. While this isn’t technically a hair style according to our panel of judges, it still needs to be said that if you’re too ashamed to wear your hair out loud and proud, then the crowd is going to boo you off the stage before you even show up.

The Hair Band Hair: Finally, a hair style that’s conceivably suitable for white people. Studies show that of three bands with the Hair Band Hair style, namely Motley Crue, Guns n’ Roses, and KISS, all three turned out to be insanely successful and richer than a public swimming pool full of the finest honey, caramel, maple syrup, and Cinnamon Toast Crunch. You might say that the Hair Band Hair was more of a mid 80’s – early 90’s kind of thing. I say this: imagine walking through Whispers on a pleasant Sunday afternoon, and seeing a squadron of Hair Band Hair sporting folk passing you in the other direction. Your options here are two-fold: You either think a) where do I sign up? or b) wow, those guys must have HUGE balls. From the band’s perspective, a definite win-win. Be prepared to sing about all of the finer things in life (money, sex, drugs), and to rock hard on the Whammy bar. If you need some practice before your hair grows to an appropriate length, pick up a copy of Guitar Hero II.

The Emo: Hahahahahahahahah.

The Mop Top: Made popular by the Beatles, this hairstyle was once a non-refundable ticket on the (Diarrhea?) express train to popularity. Unfortunately, that was the 60’s. A kind of spin off has been making rounds recently, where artists kept the ‘do short enough to be clean but long enough for a little flair and razzle-dazzle. But all middle school trick football plays aside, that was sooooooo 2005. A wise man once said, “Dude, get with the freaking times.” You won’t find much of the authentic Mop these days, but maybe all that means is that it’s due for a comeback. It’d sure take a special kind of someone to pull it off effectively, but still, the payoff is way high up there.

The Bald Eagle: You’ve got quite a mixed bag here. On the one hand, artists like 50 cent, Tupac, half of Outkast, Fat Joe, Dave Chappelle, and Andrei Aggasi. On the other hand, Shaq. And Britney Spears. Eww. Enter at your own risk. Leave at your own disgust.

The “I’m too cool for a haircut”: We’ve all been here at some point. Let’s face it. Sometimes you’re not too cool for a haircut. People won’t respect you for wearing around a dilapidated mess that looks like it was just picked up off the curb of a road. Even the best of ‘em get a trim now and again. The unfortunate thing is, this is a necessary stage in the hair growth lifecycle for transferring between styles. Just be careful when you’re doing things like going outdoors.

The Father Time: A real classic. Pop icons sporting this style range from current Pittsburgh Steeler and all around badass Troy Polamalu back to Jesus Christ himself in the days of the Bible. Like in the tale of Samson, The Father Time can be your greatest source of power, and the longer you let it grow, the more rock out super fly master shake extreme mega ultra radical tubular fanatical supreme your beats will be. Consider the fact that the Father Time carried an otherwise unremarkable Bo Bice to the finals of American Idol, and he pretty much only lost because Carrie Underwood is so awesome. However, like a finely tuned athlete, you’ve got to keep your hair conditioned. While it may be a chore and a half to clean, you certainly don’t want any of that grungy randy nar-nar getting all up in your face. I’d recommend Head & Shoulders to be on the safe side, since it’s not too, too smelly and will also fight dandruff. Or L’Oreal Kids, if you’ve still got trouble keeping the soap out of your eyes. The only downside here is that it’ll take longer to grow than even the Hair Band Hair. For you impatient types, consider getting extensions put in.

Plant your ‘fro and let it grow:

Here’s a basic tutorial that’ll take you from hair newb status to a seasoned vet. Now in just five great-tasting steps!!

1. Cut it all off. Probably the most important step since that one time there was a step in Europe that saved several thousand lives. Maybe that was a vaccine or something though. Anyway, the fact of the matter is whatever hair you’re rocking these days has to go. Here’s why: starting fresh will leave you open to whatever hair opportunities come your way. The axe job will also let you familiarize yourself with your hair’s roots. Cherish this opportunity; it’s a chance to learn about your hair’s background, family tree, interests and hobbies, fears and inhibitions, sexual preferences, whatever. It’s important to note that going completely bald isn’t necessary, a saving grace for those of us with really ugly scalp skin (I think you know who you are). Actually, against popular belief, a simple crew cut will do just fine.

2. Lay Low. We’ve all been through that awkward stage in between hairstyles, where the hair on the sides of your head aren’t really coordinated with the hairs on top and you end up with some kind of mess on either the Flat top or the Richard Simmons extremes. Don’t worry; it’s a natural part of growing up. Your hair is now going through a very tremulous and volatile period in its life. It’ll discover the opposite sex, maybe experiment with some drugs, and get its first job. Just know that in a few months or so, you’ll be rewarded for your patience with a loving and mature set of locks that will carry you to success and maybe even put up the cash to pay for your stay in a retirement home. But for now, see what you can do about covering that mess up, so you’re not embarrassed in front of the neighbors. A cardboard box would do quite nicely.

3. Make her open the box.

4. Your first stop after the unveiling is in the Short & Cute suburbs. Most artists dabble here in their early days, as there’s a precariously short window of time bands to make the jump from gigs in mom’s basement to rocking on the big stage. Many big names such as Justin Timberlake got their starts here, before adventuring around the rest of hair society. So stop here, belt out one tub thumping bacon sizzling barrel rolling mega hit, just to get the name out there and get the oven preheated at 350 degrees Fahrenheit. From here, you may need to repeat steps 2 and 3 as necessary.

5. Your last stop on the bus is at Pound Town, a subset of Hairland, USA. At this point, you should have at least one or two songs that 1) everyone loved and heard on the radio at least 50 or 60 times a day and then memorized the lyrics to and then 2) decided it sucked and was overplayed and then 3) got added to some shitty As Seen on TV compilation Now That’s What I Call Music 23-disc compilation set of music that annoyed you before but now it’s all in one place and then 4) 8 or 9 years from now will people look back fondly and play it as a fun throwback during dorm parties where guests’ only options are to think “Wow this song rox0rz!!” or “damn, these guys wouldn’t know good music if it Hulk Hogan hit them over the head with it, but at least there’s free beer.” Phew, that was a great sentence. Take a second to look back at that and re-absorb all the content there. Anyway, with those few tracks behind you and your home grown hair above you, you’ve now got the basics needed to write album #2 that will blow everyone’s pants off. Get ready to see those shimmering locks of yours plastered all over news beats and tabloids and if you’re good enough maybe even on a sitcom or two. Congrats.

The (Split) End

So, after a little bit of research, I came to the conclusion that the correlation coefficient between awesome hair and big time success is a staggering .97. And based on that statistic I totally just made up, I’d say it’s fair to assume that after reading this article, you’re now fully equipped to get out there, pick up a pair of scissors, and let the sparks (and locks) fly. I’ll see you on the billboards.

Interviewing Chad, some guy with cool hair who’s in a band

Q: So, why exactly DO you have hair? A: To head bang. When I get a haircut I cancel all my gigs. Also, open car windows and convertibles.

Q: Let’s say you’re a regular college student who likes to play music, but you’ve only got average talent. This probably isn’t too far-fetched. Using only your hair, how would you transform yourself into a mega Uber pop star sensation? A: It’s always been a fantasy to have the continuous hair trail, from head to feet. The waterfall, if you will. It’s hard to do, it’s impressive … but might be a little outdated, if you’re wearing the David Lee Roth Spandex.

Q: What’s something special and hair related that you would bring to a Battle of the Bands – type event? A: I dunno, our lead guitarist totally has it right, he’s got the hair and beard, I don’t have the beard…I should probably get the chest hair.

Q: What kind of hair do you have right now? A: Moppy and shaggy, but it’s still safe … it’s like a girl who’s dating an emo rocker, like he’s a rocker but he’s not gonna do anything dangerous … he might cry. That’s how my hair is right now.

Q: Best complement clothing? A: 60’s Beatles kind of look, maybe a new wave Cars kind of look. There’s a lot you can do with it. You can be in almost any band with this hair.

Q: Besides Cher, which modern musician would you say has the best hair and why? A: Deangelo’s pubes in the “How does it feel?” video. Because it makes white men feel like their own pubes are inadequate.

Q: What does H.A.I.R. stand for? A: Hot Air.

Q: Most influential hair style: Michael Jordan, Dennis Rodman, Taylor Hicks, or Mary Poppins? A: MJ, because I have a fear of going bald. Because if you go bald you can’t be a musician anymore. He kind of makes it look cool.

Q: What are some things you can do on a day to day basis to ensure a healthy, flowing, gorgeous head of hair? A: Don’t wash it. Dirty hair gives it character and texture. Once a week at most. Au Naturale is a thing of beauty. If you’re around smokers you’ve got to shower, that stuff takes a while to get it out. Some people say foods affect it but I don’t know. I drink a lot of Guinness and eat cheese, those are my staples.

Q: Best hair-themed musical: Hair, Hairspray, or The Lion King? A: Have to go with Hair. Hairspray is for girls. Lion King is for the wimpy men.

Q: Where do you see hair ten years from now? A: Everyone will have the Jon Fritz haircut. It’ll be required by law.

Q: Any last thoughts? A: You should give out little packets of hair with each issue. That’d be awesome. I’ll provide some.