[From the vault: Eleven Magazine, circa Spring 2009.]
Top 11: Now That’s What I Call Music CDs – By His Holiness, Josh.
You saw these commercials all the time on TV: “Dive into summer with the new Now That’s What I Call Music! Featuring all of your favorite tracks like ‘We didn’t talk on AIM today and it makes me feel neeeeeeh’ by Whiny Emo Boy, and ‘I took a Dump on the Radio’ by Diarrhea Express Train Cart #6. But I was curious to see if there might be any remotely redeeming quality to be found here. So this time around, we’re going to look at the Top 11 Now, That’s What I Call Music albums. Brace yourselves.
11. Now, That’s What I Call Music: Volume 28 – Released this year, featuring “Pocket Full of Sunshine,” “Sexy Can I?” Britney, Metro Station, Jordin Sparks, Daughtry, and Fall Out Boy. More simply, featuring every obnoxious song you hear on the radio today. It’s probably the heaviest artillery that XM and Sirius could use to convince people to buy a satellite receiver. Which is why it made the list.
10. Now, That’s What I Call Music: Volume 5 – Definitely the best of the bunch on the metric of having the greatest number of obscure “man, was that really a band or was my grade school slipping hallucinogens in the chocolate milk cartons” tracks. Like Aaron Carter, 98 Degrees, Sisqo, BBMak, Mandy Moore, and Destiny’s Child. Yeesh.
9. Now, That’s What I Call Music: #1’s! – They actually managed to sell some copies of a compilation disc made up of the best songs from the rest of their compilation discs. I don’t know what’s most impressive: That marketers were able to convince people to actually buy bottled water, or that they convinced people to actually buy this. I want to meet the serial NOW buyer who had to add this to his/her/its collection. Sadly, those kinds of places don’t normally allow for visiting hours.
8. Now, That’s What I Call Classic Rock – “Barracuda,” “More Than a Feeling,” “Carry on my Wayward Son,” “Surrender,” “Rock and Roll all Night”. In other words, it’s like buying Guitar Hero without, you know, the whole game thing. But I bet you there’s a hungover fratboy out there somewhere whose ears just perked up.
7. Now, That’s What I Call Music: Volume 44 (UK) – The best-selling compilation album of all-time. It has freaking everybody who’s anybody as far as you could tell from the world of casual music listeners who know nobody – Britney, Enrique, The Boys Backstreet and Venga, Diana Ross and Tina Turner, Bob Marley (somehow?) and Lou Bega, Jamiroquai, and one of the Spice Girls. Damn.
6. Now, That’s What I Call Music: Volume 70 (UK) – For those uninitiated, the NOW series actually goes up to 70, with the 71st coming this November in the UK. It’s got a couple of acts from this past year’s Lollapalooza, like Kanye West, Duffy, and The Ting Tings, which ought to make the album passable. But the phrase “beating a dead horse” comes to mind.
5. Now, That’s What I Call Christmas – The best holiday gift to get someone you absolutely freaking can’t stand. Hours of Christmas music that nobody wants to listen to, mass-marketed and splooged over with Christmas-ey lingo and snowflakes and crap. It’ll feel great to buy for now, but oh are you on the naughty list for next year.
4. Now, That’s What I Call 25 Years – As a never-before-even-remotely-considered-purchase NOW customer, I’m probably the most legitimately excited about this compilation. It’s a 3-disc behemoth, but I like that it has a number of classics like Michael Jackson, Queen, and The Police to go along with a bunch of future classics like OutKast, Gnarls Barkley, and Timbaland (I guess you could call them that?). If my computer died and I didn’t have my hard drive and I didn’t have any friends and I didn’t feel the impulse to steal gratuitiously and I didn’t feel compelled to listen to entire albums instead of one song blips and just the other day I went to my dentist for a routine checkup but ended up lobotomized in a freak accident with the Benny Hill music playing in the background, then I’d still not really consider this.
3. Now, That’s What I Call Music: Volume 69 (UK) – You know, I didn’t even check the track list. I just think it’s safe to assume that this is a funny album.
2. Now, That’s What I Call Music: Volume 1 – Nothing like an original. I also would probably enthusiastically support any other album that featured Harvey Danger’s “Flagpole Sitta” and John Wozniak’s “Sex & Candy”. Just not the one with “MMMBop” and “Barbie Girl” each a few tracks later.
1. Now, That’s What I Call Music: Volume 11 – It wouldn’t take a genius to arbitrarily decide that the NOW album marked with our namesake would be the best one. 11 does have a couple of solid tracks on it, like Nelly’s “Hot in Herre” and Shakira’s “Objection (Tango)”. Still doesn’t make the disc (or any of the ones we’ve mentioned, for that matter) worth any of your 10 easy payments of $2.99, though.