[Note: This article appeared in Eleven issue 1.1, circa October 2006]

How do you become a Hipster? What is a Hipster? What’s the deal with Mets fans on campus? Solutions to these thought provoking questions, and more, coming up.

Backstory
So, the answers to those first few questions you may already know. I mean, you’re the one reading the Eleven Magazine here, buddy. Heck, I know jack shit about music. The last CD I bought was Jock Jams, Volume 3. There’s actually a pretty good chance that you’d do a better job writing articles for this magazine than I would. But for now, I’m the one with the laptop, the answers, and the friends in the right places. You’d better grin and bear it.

Anyway, I figure, seeing as I’ve got the music-related IQ of a cheese sandwich, why not devote my first column to those of you out there who, like me, want to learn the ropes of the music social following? While I’m at it, I guess I might as well aim for the top.

So here’s the rundown: I gave you the backstory, we’ll go through the definitions, I’ll go through an interview, and then I’m gonna walk you through the actual execution of Hipsterification. Think of this as your table of contents, a guideline in case you’re sneaking peeks at the magazine during class and trying not to get caught, or you’re reading this on the crapper and have the runs today.

Definitions
What is a Hipster? I checked out the internet stalwart, Wikipedia, to see what they had to say. There were waaayy too many words on that page…I’m not gonna even bother reading most of it. Something about Indie Rock…Vespa Scooters…Converse Shoes…..whatever. I don’t even know what a Vespa Scooter is, or why that’d have anything to do with anything. The vibe I’m getting is that a Hipster just boils down to some guy who wants to feel important (or “hip”) but isn‘t really knowledgeable or good at anything. So, he decides to follow bands you’ve never heard of and starts spewing drivel left and right about how awesome they are and well…who the fuck are you to prove him wrong, you’ve never heard of these groups. These guys also like to buffer their façade of coolness by wearing clothes that no human with any semblance of a fashion sense would touch (this stuff is available at thrift stores for a reason, fellas). At least, that’s the way it seems from the outside looking in.

Interview
I decided it’d be a good idea that, in addition to reading an article on the internet that could have been written by anyone and grossly blowing it out of proportion, I ought to probe the mind of a hipster and get the scoop from a first person point of view. So, I interviewed my buddies Eric, a self-proclaimed hipster, and Dan, a “music enthusiast,” (read: hipster in denial). Here are some highlights:

Josh: What is a Hipster?
Eric: Well, basically modern hippies, music elitists, just elitists all around. [A hipster might say] “I refuse to pay more than $10 for an article of clothing…I want all my money to go to my music.” Yeah, that sounds good.
Josh: Let’s say you’re not a Hipster, but you want to become one. What are the three steps to take?
Eric: Read Pitchfork Media daily, hourly maybe. Throw out all your clothes and raid the nearest Salvation Army. Start listening to KWUR and NPR religiously.
Dan: Read Kafka’s Metamorphosis. Buy yourself a Velvet Underground album. And visit Slate.com.
Josh: What are some easy ways to identify a hipster?
Eric: Shaggy unkempt hair, or the Mohawk…[and] the band shirts you’ve probably never heard of.
Dan: Stupid fucking clothes…I don’t know. Blazers, corduroys, scarfs, newsboy hats, film school glasses, converse sneakers or vans slip ons.
Josh: In your veiled attempt to mask your sense of insecurity, why did you choose to become a hipster?
Eric: God dude, these are hard ass questions…no comment. [Got ya, bitch.]
Josh: What is the Hipster’s position on WMD’s?
Dan: Cool, ‘till everyone found out. Now everyone knows about them. Kim Jong Il is kinda bringing them back.
Josh: What do hipsters eat?
Eric: No one really knows.
Dan: Probably ovaltine, eggs benedict……and some type of parsnips.
Josh: What’s the best Hipster-mashing weapon?
Eric: Jam Bands…If you tell me you like Guster I’ll self-destruct.
Josh: Is there a rankings system within the Hipster community? How does it work?
Eric: It depends on who you ask. Pretty much everyone would say they’re on top of the food chain.
Josh: Some people say cucumbers taste better pickled.
Dan: What?
Eric: I would have to agree.
Josh: What’s the deal with all the Mets fans who brought out their jerseys, hats, and stuff while the Mets were in the NLCS, but now suddenly, the Mets logo is nowhere to be seen?
Dan: I don’t know, I didn’t notice that. I was in the library.
Eric: They’re probably too insecure to be caught rooting for a losing team. Which is why a lot of them posed as Red Sox fans under the bullshit “anti-Yankees” excuse. They’re mostly pathetic.
Josh: How long until we see Kel Mitchell back in the media? Child molestation, murder, or sex tape?
Eric: Three years. Sex tape, Dustin Diamond style……on the set of Good Burger 2.
Josh: Describe a Hipster’s dream date.
Eric: It’d start off at an anti-war rally…followed by a day of yard sale and thrift store ravaging…dinner at a small, dimly lit thai restaurant before a Yo La Tengo concert.
Dan: Bring candles and a table cloth to Denny’s. Then go see Harry Potter in iMax…but you’ve got to be on shrooms or something. To cap it off, go to a diner for cigarettes and coffee to discuss the merits of the movie.
Josh: No sex?
Eric: Depends if it’s the first date or the second.

Well, that solved a lot. I think we can at least draw the conclusion that have deep seated self-esteem issues…and that Kel’s got a grim future on the horizon.

Execution
So, now that we’ve got the answers to those burning questions, I think it’s time to put this newfound knowledge into action. For those of you keeping score at home, here’s my master list of Hipster needs, accessories, do’s, and don’ts.

Hipster needs:

• Shirts with bands you’ve never heard of: What better way to say “Fuck you, my opinion is awesome” than by supporting a group that no one knows? It’s like me saying my favorite sports team is the New Texaslandville Testicle Punchers, who are the best team in the ITFFVAEDWERRASCGFHL. Just try and prove me wrong.

• Smokes and a lighter: Remember folks, forget D.A.R.E. Smoking is cool. Cigarettes are a Hipster’s way of saying, “I’m so cool, I’m such a rebel, I can consciously decide to harm nearly every single organ of my body and drastically increase my chances of just about every single form of cancer and not even give a damn.” Interestingly, Hipsters’ disposition towards smoking is at odds with the mantra of spending all available funds on music.

• Piercings: An important note here: You can’t have so many piercings that it looks like you lost a fight with a staple gun, but you still need enough to make momma proud. At least two holes in one ear is a must. It’s also getting fashionable to put a ring through your lower lip, even though it might be the most awkward place ever to put an earring (or…lipring?). Complicating such daily activities as eating and closing your mouth; this one’s reserved strictly for the hardcore.

• Strap bag with patches and/or pins: Another one taken directly from the playbook of “Do whatever no one else in their right mind would do,” many hipsters have added an accessory to their ensemble that was once sold exclusively to prepubescent middle school girls. Up next, Barbie & Ken Dream House play set? Stay tuned…

Common Hipster accessories:

• Newsboy hats: My best guess is the Hipsters are borrowing this from the budding artist community in attempt to milk the cap for whatever style points it’s got left. These usually come in plaid.

• Ripped Jeans: The kind you buy pre-ripped and stained from the store. I mean, why go out yourself and give your jeans character when you can have the manufacturer do it for you?

• Facial Hair: A beard or goatee isn’t necessary, but it’s important to never look like you just recently shaved your self and actually gave a crap about your appearance.

Hipster Do’s:

• Make fun of everyone else’s favorite band, whenever possible: Be shameless. The bigger an asshole you are, the more everyone will pretend to respect and look up to you but curse you and spit in your Grande Style Mint-Mocha Chai Organic Free-Trade Frappacoffeeteadecafochino mix drink when you’re not looking. But at least you’ll have the impression that people like you.

• Express Yourself: The hipster has three facial expressions: smug, unfazed, and really fucking smug. If necessary, practice in the mirror before you go out in the morning.

Hipster Don’ts:

• Never, ever, EVER get caught enjoying some music a non-hipster has heard before: Doing so gives grounds for comparison, which leads to other people having leverage in music related discussions, which leads to you crying yourself to sleep at night. Which, in retrospect, doesn’t really change much.

• Keeping Clean: I don’t know this for sure, but I get the feeling that there’s at least one or two nights a week where hipsters regularly don’t bathe. Even if it’s not true, it definitely fits the bill.

At this point, you can add in a few elements of your own here and there. Don’t stray too far; after all, we’re trying to stereotype here.

Interview (Round 2)
So anyway, to test all of the information we’ve gathered thus far, I’m going IRL. I’ve assembled an outfit consisting of a thrift store T-shirt, ripped jeans (pack of cigarettes in the left pocket), and a pair of shoes you’d probably see on a clown if they were about ten sizes bigger. I haven’t shaved in three days, didn’t shower this morning, and I practiced my smug look for about seven seconds. I tried to find those parsnips that Dan mentioned, but Bear Mart didn’t have any. They never freaking have what I want.

My plan of action is to enter a conversation with some unsuspecting guys, and see what their reactions are. I probably should go outside and find some random people there, but it’s awfully cold and wet out. So instead I’m gonna go talk to my suitemates, Anthony and Matt. (By the way, the band I’m about to bust out on them, Diarrhea Surprise Express Train Cart #6, is to my knowledge completely made up.)

Anthony: (complaining about biology or some other pre-med nonsense) So I have a test today in Orgo and I haven’t done the problem sets or watched the slides and I have to wake up at like 4:30 in the morning to go work at the Med school and play with flies and this semester is totally ridiculous and I have no time to just relax or do anything or even complain to you guys about how rough my schedule is, you know, right?
Matt: [Zones out, absentmindedly agrees]

…I walk in…

Josh: Hey guys.
Matt and Anthony: [confused stares]
Josh: I just got done listening to the new album of one of my favorite bands, Diarrhea Surprise Express Train Cart #6, and it’s really awesome. All of their music is just so good. It’s like take Velvet Underground, the Killers, and…uhh…Raffi…no no I mean The Flaming Lips…yeah…and multiply their awesomeness by at least twenty-seven. And that’s only the first song. The second song is when the beats and vocals really get good because—
Matt: (cutting me off) Josh, what the hell are you talking about?

Boo ya.

Conclusion
I’d like to think that we all learned a little something today. For me, I now know what it means to be a hipster, and how easy it is to break into the music field. All the aspiring hipsters out there now have a lot of compelling reasons to find more stimulating and constructive things to do with their time, such as working for minimum wage at a fast food joint. At least there, the people you see every day will appreciate the fact that you’ve got no talent or motivation to do anything productive with your life. We also gained some insight about what it’s like to be a pitiable fair-weather Mets fan. Before I sign off, one final message for all the hipsters out there: I don’t think I’ve ever listened to more than one Guster song (and boy, was that a mistake), but I’m gonna go ahead anyway and say they’re one of my favorite bands. Write in and tell me about what your self-destruct sequence is like.